My Lovely Visit To The Church of Scientology
REAL TALK: THE EXTENT OF my knowledge about Scientology comes from that well-known South Park episode. And Tom Cruise.
Chris Arneson
We have a Scientology church downtown. (Did you know that?) It’s been right across from Blake Street Tavern since the summer of 2012. Currently, its sign calls it the “Church O Scientology.” (Apparently, no one gave an F, yuk yuk.) Anyway, Scientology’s one of those gatherings that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me, which is exactly why I took my boyfriend to it on a Thursday afternoon! (By took, I mean dragged.)
First of all, the Church of Scientology offers tours, and not the kind a guy should take holding hands with his boyfriend. (Founder L. Ron Hubbard thinks homosexuality is an illness and has allegedly used it as a platform to promote homophobia.)
I wanted to plan ahead, so I went to the website to plot our outing. On their site, you can RSVP to a film showing, sign up for a free personality test, and set up a tour of their Public Information Center. Those forms didn’t work, though, so we just showed up.
We arrived around 4pm to desolation — the receptionist wasn’t even there. When he realized people had entered, he came scurrying over and introduced himself.
Bless him; he was probably just so excited to see people. The giddy little Scientologist led us over to the info center, which is essentially just a room filled with several paneled screens, like a museum.
This place is fancy. Not regular fancy: fancy fancy. Scientologists must be really rich. Like, this is nicer than most of Denver’s museums and way larger than it needs to be.
I zoned out while he stumbled through his pitch, but I did catch him say, “It’s freakin’ mind- blowing, man!”
That was probably the most apt phrase spoken. It was a self-guided tour, but he kept popping up front behind the panels to check up on us as we wandered around aimlessly trying to look stimulated.
We were already prepped to jet at this point. I had to hold back a snort-laugh when he enthusiastically asked, “Hey, would you guys like to watch a movie … in a theater?”
We declined. Instead, I asked if he could show me the strange machine that lived under a sign reading: See A Thought. He explained it was an e-meter … essentially a device that reads your negativity by analyzing your body’s reaction to certain words. He played with some knobs while I held two metal cups in my hand and tried not to look at my boyfriend’s face.
He told me not to move. Nothing happened. Then he told me to squeeze. Nothing happened. Then he realized the machine wasn’t plugged in. This fella was really selling me!
After we finished with the e-meter, we were ready to escape. That crap was weird. As our tour guide wandered out of site, we literally ran out the entrance, not looking back.
If you’re looking to check out Scientology: You do you, but that shit is uncomfortable. And we didn’t even get to meet an alien.
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