When the bullied turn into bullies

I’ve noticed a counterintuitive phenomenon in our queer society – it can seem like we have a high prevalence of bullies around us. Unfortunately, I’m not talking about the straight (or repressed homosexual) kids in school who shove the awkward gay kid into lockers. I’m speaking to those in our culture who share a common sexuality, but definitely not the same regard for other’s feelings, and may be guilty of being a bully to others.

Being a bully is nothing more than using your energy and behaviors to be cruel, intimidating, or controlling to someone else, especially those who you perceive to be smaller or weaker people. Adults usually don’t resort to physical intimidation, but choose to use emotional or social aggression instead. Some might consider it just being “catty” – dismissing it as just something gay people do. Some think that it is just a fun activity, while others have been doing it for so long that it comes as a natural thoughtless, spewing from their mouths to shower unsuspecting people with hatred.

For many of us, growing up gay caused internalized feelings of insecurity. It’s bad enough that most of us feel uncomfortable internally, but there are also times when other kids can be cruel. Some people feel that they can gain power picking on the kid that doesn’t quite fit in.

As we get older, these oppressive behaviors should become less prevalent in our lives, but sometimes they don’t. I find “adult bullying” even more concerning because of how much publicity has been created around educating people about the concerns of bullying in the schools. Just because you graduate from high school doesn’t mean that you are immune from people tormenting you.

Attempts to oppress and intimidate others can take on many forms, but it is always done to make someone feel less powerful or “put in their place.” The direct route uses cutting words, mean comments, rumors, taking trash or social media slander. The passive-aggressive route happens where a bitchy look is followed by a sneer and turning your back on someone. It can signal disapproval, but is more geared towards making someone feel like crap.

Sometimes times bullying is overcompensation for shortcomings or feelings of shame within people. Some may feel like they’ve gained strength and security in themselves after feeling unlikable for many of their younger years. Maybe they have since found supportive social cliques, or gotten a rockin’ body – but unfortunately, humility, kindness and remembering what it felt like to be put in a corner, ignored or discriminated against have been forgotten.

Fortunately, many people have transcended into self-confident, successful people without needing to diminish others in their lives. These people have taken the time and energy to work on those experiences or parts of themselves that caused their insecurity in the first place, and replaced them with more positive and healthy approaches. Instead of working to bury the sad child inside, these people have nourished that child with a process to heal and mature.

Don’t get me wrong. There are plenty of other non–queer bullies out there affecting our lives, including some mean–spirited religious and political voices. I feel that this is all the more reason to identify and stop it when bullying is happening in our own culture, by our own brothers and sisters.

As we continue to make significant strides towards equality, I think it’s a shame that we continue a social civil war within our own community. Be aware when you turn into a mean girl.