To: All The Mothers

To: All The Mothers

            It is Mother’s Day! What a perfect day to deconstruct what mothering is from within LGBTQ+ considerations.  As an LGBTQ+ Specialized Therapist and as a queer adopted individual, I see mothers and parental figures from outside assigned heteronormative frames and expectations. Our Queer communities have many amazing mothers, found mothers, and mothering figures that go overlooked or are erased because they are not biological or legal mothers. Today let’s acknowledge and celebrate the importance of all types of deserving mothers.

Defining a Mother

            Most would agree that the standards and expectations of traditional motherhood are overwhelming and unrealistic. Academic considerations define a mother as a cis-heterosexual woman in relation to her child, one who raises a child with care and love, or one who gives birth. By heteronormative standards, the value of one’s motherhood is based on one’s ability to conceive, carry, and birth their biological child regardless of the financial, emotional, or physical sacrifice to do so. Additionally, normative mothering standards suggest she must love her role, maintain a household, work, and sacrifice herself for her family. This is fucking unrealistic and unsustainable.

Thinking Outside the Box

            My personal experience affords me a deconstructivist, postmodern, and (I like to think) liberated perspective for what defines a mother figure. My biological mother gave me life, and that’s about it. My mom Judy adopted me and loved and nurtured the empowered Queer man I am today. I cannot tell you how angry I get when people learn I am adopted and ask me “who my real mom is.” I will quickly correct their language to differentiate my “biological mother” from my “adoptive mother,” who is my actual mother. If need be, I will also tell them it’s none of their business because it’s not. This happens to so many adopted folks. This type of devaluing microaggression and familial erasure extends to other kinds of mothering and mentoring figures. Culturally we place value on biological mothers over those individuals who foster and nurture (mother) us.

             In addition to my amazing mother, I have been gifted with many profound mothering and mentoring figures who supported my individuation process. I have been mentored by several incredible art teachers from elementary school through college. I still write letters back and forth with my high school English teacher. Hi Eileen! In my early 20s, I was taught all things queer socio-political theory by my drag mother, Jennifer Miller.

Queerness Found Families and Found Mothers

Our Queerness and our cultures are inclusive of so many types of mothers. Through our survival and adaption from heteronormative oppression and rejection, Queer culture has had to create our own family systems to survive. Found families are formed outside of families of origin and based on shared bonds like identity, expression, and familial rejection for being LGBTQ+. Found families provide vital social support and are often formed in response to the necessity of pooling emotional, financial, and housing resources to survive. Queer-found families often center around a leading figure, a found mother who possesses experience, knowledge, and establishment to support younger Queer people. Found mothers are also referred to as trans mothers, drag mothers, and house mothers. In each instance, these mothers offer mirroring experiences within our community that some given or bio mothers cannot understand or refuse to support. Any form of mothering that provides this needed mirroring and validation saves many Queer youths’ lives.

Paris is Burning

            The iconic 1990 documentary film Paris is Burning was used by Madonna as inspiration for the Blond Ambition and Vogue Era of her career, showcasing the various houses, house mothers, and found family hood within the 1980s Ballroom culture of New York City. A vital aspect of the documentary film is the mentorship and mothering within each house. In the film drag mothers: Pepper Labejia and Angie Xtravaganza are showcased as the house mothers, the leaders of their children. Pepper and Angie embody motherhood within a lineage of survival and trauma, highlighted by the necessity of house formation for survival.  To this day, there are descendants of the houses of LaBejia and Xtravaganza who maintain houses across the USA, including the fantastic House Mother here in Colorado, Leelee Labejia.

            The film shows how these mothers shared resources and survival skills with younger queer and trans youth who continued in this mothering style of protection, nurturing, and fostering. This is also true to drag mothers and drag houses commonly referred to on RuPaul’s Drag Race, including the latest winner Sasha Colby, the House of Colby, and famous drag daughter Kerri Colby. Drag Mothers, House Mothers, and Queer Found Mothers exude confidence through their lived experience that most families of origin typically can’t offer. Its imperative to understand the history of Queer-found families and found mothers’ development in response to familial rejection due to queerness, resulting in the high risk of homelessness.

LGBTQ+ Foster Fails

            As LGBTQ+ folks, we know how many youths are abused and rejected by their family of origin because of their queerness. In response to this family-based homo-bi-transphobic abuse, many Queer youths are removed from their homes and placed in foster care.  More than 391,000 children and youth are in foster care in the U.S. 30% of youth in foster care identify as LGBTQ.  LGBTQ youth may experience challenges under the care of child welfare systems. Unfortunately, a high percentage of LGBTQ+ youth continue to experience verbal harassment or physical violence after they are placed in out-of-home care due to conflicts related to their sexual orientation or gender identity. 13% percent of LGBTQ+ youth reported being treated poorly by the foster care system, compared with 6% of non- LGBTQ+ youth. Often, for LGBTQ youth, it can feel impossible, let alone overwhelming, to find a nurturing and mentoring figure in their lives. This is why it is so vital that we identify mothers and mothering figures outside of heteronormative definitions.

One Accepting Adult 

            According to the Trevor Project, LGBTQ+ youth who report having at least one accepting adult were 40% less likely to report a suicide attempt in the past year. This is why we need to be looking at all of the mothers in our lives! Not just the ones that fulfill the traditional role of mother but any of those figures who provide an affirming, nurturing, and fostering role regardless of their title. There is something unique and signature to the life of an LGBTQ+ young person where attuned and aware adults tend to find us. Commonly LGBTQ+ people become their English teacher or art teacher’s favorite student. This relationship often gets overlooked, but for so many queer kids, it can save their lives.

Gays and Their Teachers

            This is perfectly captured in the Tilda Swinton meme of her and Timothee Chalamet at the 2021 Cannes Film Festival. It is the photo of Timothy placing his head on Tilda’s shoulder. The image embodies a tender and sentimental bond and the caption says, “Gays and Their English Teachers.” What is it about a solid English teacher and their gift of finding the most sensitive and vulnerable students in their classes and forming bonds with us? The same sentiment extends to Art teachers, Music teachers, coaches, and other school-based mentors. Not to mention and toot my horn, but Queer affirming therapists so often are in the position to provide affirming and validating reparenting experiences and broaden perspectives; we can see how effective mothering can take place in many situations outside of a traditional heterocentric family home

Ask Yourself

Often LGBTQ+ people can be angry with their biological mothers for their inability to love, nurture or understand who we are as queer people. How about we acknowledge those feelings and recognize all the amazing mother figures from a Queer understanding. Who mentored you? Took you in? Who affirmed your identity? Who saw you? Who was there for you?