Suffering in Silence

Many of us have a hard time asking for help. This could be from growing up with a support system that wanted us to handle our own stuff or was absent in our lives when we needed comfort. This potentially made us feel they really didn’t want to hear about things that were stressing us out. Often, it can be perceived as a positive skill to learn to be self-sufficient and handle a variety of things happening to us, but in our adulthood, asking for advice or talking through problems may now feel highly uncomfortable and many rarely admit when they are struggling. We all benefit from support sometimes and don’t have to do everything alone, but it’s also not easy to change these old patterns and insecurities.

A very good friend of mine told me one of the greatest gifts you could give someone is the ability to ask for advice or support. It shows a level of admiration you have for this person since you care enough about his or her sight, experiences, and friendship. It shows a level of trust between the two of you, especially when you aren’t known for sharing those types of things. This can also strengthen a relationship between people getting past difficult situations and building good connections together.

Unfortunately, admitting that we desire assistance, support, or a shoulder to cry on brings up a variety of feelings. These include distrust, self-loathing, insecurity, feeling like a whiny bitch, or not wanting to be seen as a weak person. It also causes us to experience feelings of anger at ourselves for having to ask for help, at the situation which is awful enough to make us do it, or at the feelings that arise from deep within us from years of programming and experiences.

In reality, we don’t want to show our vulnerabilities or perceived weaknesses. When tough times are shared with people we trust, it can reinforce the idea that asking for support isn’t a sign of weakness, but actually a very intelligent and thoughtful way to handle difficult situations. It is simply utilizing a tool we have at our disposal to help us be more successful. It also helps us challenge those deep-rooted ideas which tell us that asking for help diminishes our ability to handle situations in our lives.

One difficulty in beginning this process is challenging ideas developed very early in our lives and are often reinforced through our life experiences. It is important to begin developing and identifying those relationships we enjoy, but also make us feel comfortable with the level of honesty and trust within it. Some people will focus on being there for their friends, but not using those relationships for support when they need it. Don’t wait until you are at the end of your rope before asking for help or deciding never to use the benefit of their friendship to help you. It may challenge and require us to swallow our pride and admit we don’t want or need to do it alone.

It’s important to distinguish between when to ask for help and when you need to suck it up and deal. Be conscious about relying too heavily on what other people think or consistently searching for those to support you. While getting help from supporting people in our lives, continue to focus on developing problem-solving skills, tenacity, self-reliance, and the ability to truck forward when things get rough. Use all your resources to get through when life gets big, bad, and ugly.