Stuff Gay People Like: Taking singing too seriously

Visit a gay bar on karaoke night and you will find that those behind the microphone treat the event like opening night at the Met. A surprising number are good singers, which is actually a bad thing; the point of karaoke is that not-so-good singers – who are the majority of society – can perform for an audience of equally-mediocre singers in good fun. Ordinary people are relative rock stars, and the very worst vocalists can take comfort in the fact that everyone is drunk.

But in a gay bar, the “average” performer is put to shame, humiliated like the tin-pitched rejects in the audition episodes of American Idol. “Wow, does he actually think he’s good?” they hear the nation snicker. The nation is standing by the bathrooms with a martini. The nation has a condescending British voice.

Many people think there is something about gay men that makes them intrinsically talented, as if each one receives a unique ability at puberty along with his first five o’clock shadow or wet dream. Books for gay youth would read: You may notice strange things happening to your body; hair growing where it wasn’t before, new feelings of arousal, perfect pitch and all outfits you touch appearing poised and aesthetically pleasing. “Mom! I just got a special power last night: decoupage!” a gay teenager would gleefully shout one morning as he begins a new life of crafty bohemianism.

This is not actually how it goes – talents are not intrinsic to same-sex attraction. The only thing gay men are to a greater extent than straight men is self-conscious. Half of them force themselves to perfection: instead of listening to the music as they sing for fun in the car, they listen to their own voices, beating their vocal cords into submission on the correct note. Some are destined for Broadway, and for others there may only be 5 or 6 songs with a narrow enough range that he can hit all the notes but you’ll be damn sure they’re the only 5 or 6 songs he’ll ever sing in public.

Then there are the other gay men, the ones who are just as concerned about vocal abilities but instead of punishing themselves into perfection they convince themselves they are already that good. These men sound sound like ambulance sirens. The disease begins subtle, something he discloses as a well-kept secret: “you know I actually sing,” he whispers. “Pretty good, too.” Six months later it is a full-blown pathology; he is belting screeching tones at the dance party, attempting to get on to reality TV shows, typing irate responses to comments on his YouTube videos and blaming society for its failure to embrace true talent.

Stuff Gay People Like (SGPL) is a satirical/cultural column featured in Out Front Colorado. Visit the Facebook Page or view the whole list.

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