Stuff Gay People Like: Hating Republicans

Some groups in the gay world have a particularly hard time: if you are fat, or effeminate or bald, you know you are often the subject of scorn. But there is no one on Earth as persistently and bitterly expressive of his sense of victimization than the outspoken gay Republican.

A few gay guys are quietly conservative, and they may slip under the radar of the more passionate liberals. But the outspoken gay Republican must live in a state of constant self-defense, because even nice people resent him. His life is a constant argument: he is not self-hating! He is not a traitor! He is not homophobic; most gay people are just trashy and dumb! He will begin to master what can only be known as the preemptive strike: he will advertise his identity less as I’m a gay Republican and more as I’m a gay Republican so get over it fuckers; I hate all you people.

Gay people run the gamut when it comes to their views towards Democrats. Every Democratic campaign office or fundraiser has a handful of enthusiastic gay men and lesbians present, but others think that Democrats are whimpy and weak on gay rights and threaten to withhold their votes. There are the radical gays who think voting is a waste and the apathetic ones who insist that politics don’t matter. Also, we must not forget the gay libertarians, an aloof but plentiful bunch, who have the same disdain for Republicans and the Religious Right that they do for non-college-educated poor people. They are convinced that their superior intelligence has driven them to a final conclusion that the gay liberals simply haven’t thought of yet; that even if low-tax policies create a massive underclass of impoverished and near-starving low-wage workers, this downside along with all other outcomes is insignificant compared to the all-important ideological consistency of a non-intervening government!

The typical gay person will probably say he hates both parties, a much more trendy and popular way of avoiding an argument than liking both parties, which most people would attribute to a cognitive disability.

Yes, whether a gay person loves or hates Democrats is a flip of a coin. But Republicans are the bad guys either way. There is no elected Republican politician who gets high marks from gay people. Indeed, Republicans are the gay man’s greatest enemies: they are bigoted, hateful, unfashionable and prude. They are also classless! They live in boring states like Idaho and Oklahoma. It is with great relish that gay people expose their secret gay lovers and hidden prescription drug addictions.

Stuff Gay People Like (SGPL) is a satirical/cultural column featured in Out Front Colorado. Visit the Facebook Page or view the whole list.

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