Stuff Gay People Like: Astrology

Straight men who struggle with dating will sometimes say they wish they were gay. They suspect gay relationships are easy because men are so simple and straightforward; there is no mystery or confusion, no complex net of heartstrings to unravel, no fine line to walk in somehow coming across as confident yet vulnerable. What it really comes down to, straight guys figure, is that men are horny, so you can just get another man into bed and let your dicks do the talking.

Perhaps the first problem these guys have with women is that women aren’t really that different and don’t actually like being viewed as exotic, prude but complicated miscreants. But they’re also wrong thinking gay relationships are simple.

The beginning of any gay love affair begins with each participant’s burden to privately search astrological books, websites and computer software programs to see how birth dates and times sum up the prospective relationship. After the hours gay men spend getting to know their partner’s interests, skills and weaknesses through a 5,000-year-old body of literature nobody knows who wrote, there’s less time left for the trivial things like spending time together or talking.

Gay people love astrology in spite of these inconveniences. After fleeing from their parents’ homophobic Christian churches at puberty, they need a spiritual system that has no god to judge you and no priest or minister to say that you are intrinsically corrupt. In astrology, the key figures are planets; these are unconscious rocks and therefore do not nag you about promiscuous sex, sodomy or tithing.

There are entire encyclopedias of astrology geared towards gay men, who use the stars to reveal everything from the sex positions they personally ought to like, to what kinds of foods risk making people of their particular sun sign fat.

Most importantly, gay men use astrology to retroactively describe their ex-boyfriends’ character flaws.

With these tools in hand, a gay man can ensure himself success in finance and love, and avoid bad dates by short-circuiting the process of deeming someone incompatible. Astrology is simpler than personal experience: a rule of thumb is that you should not date someone whose star sign is adjacent to yours on the Zodiac wheel.  Most importantly, under no circumstances should anybody date a Capricorn.

The most exciting thing of all about astrology for gay men is that it makes it easy for them to decide what to have tattooed on the backs of their necks. There is nothing more original and unique than to tell the world a fact about yourself that only one in 12 people can claim. That’s a mere 25 million people in America, and a scant 550 million on Earth.

In fact, it’s a wonder why there aren’t more biographies, resumes and epitaphs that include star signs. All you’d need is a cursory glance to really understand who you’re looking at. For example, Mother Teresa’s birthday was August 26; Virgo. If you research astrology you know she is prone to constipation, well-mannered, organized and a picky eater.

There is no greater understanding than this.

This classic SGPL was originally published online in April 2010.

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