Steve Disselhorst’s Debut Book ‘Determined To Be Dad’

A veteran marketer, community activist, and founder of a Bay Area coaching and consulting firm focusing on leadership development and diversity, equity, and inclusion, Steve Disselhorst leads a busy and active lifestyle. We can only imagine what happened when children were thrown into the mix.

Disselhorst has always been consumed with the quest of raising a family. Growing up Catholic in the Midwest, he was raised in believing that he would marry a woman and have children. When his attraction to men became prevalent and he eventually realized he was gay, Disselhorst gave up his dream of having a family. However, that dream re-ignited as times changed and he gained greater self-acceptance. Disselhorst and his then-husband Lorevic started their journey toward parenthood, which he details in his debut book, Determined To Be Dad.

The book chronicles his personal trials and tribulations of creating a family through adoption. Tender and painful, Disselhorst offers his journey as a tribute to his desire for familial connection, overcoming self-imposed handicaps, and facing the harsh realities of two men trying to create a family. In the end, they were rewarded with two, beautiful children, a daughter named Kaitlyn and a son named Matthew.

OFM had the opportunity to chat more with Disselhorst about the book.

Hi, Steve! Thank you for taking some time to chat with me about your book, Determined To Be Dad. Without giving too much away, can you tell us more about it?
Yes! It is basically a memoir that covers my life from my early years to coming out and thinking about becoming a parent, and then to the process of adopting our two children.

When did you adopt Kaitlyn and Matthew?
We were in the birthing suite when Kaitlyn was born on April 17. We then adopted her about a year later in May 2013. Then Matthew was born October 13, 2015, and then he came into our family on March 24, 2016. His adoption took much longer, which was finalized in September 2017.LGBTQ people are still fighting for the right to adopt children, and the Trump administration even pushed for adoption agencies with religious affiliations to reject LGBTQ people. You are involved with some organizations and legislation trying to make it legal from same-gender couples to adopt nationwide?
I am on the board of an organization called Our Family Coalition, which is an LGBTQ organization that works for equity for LGBTQ families. That is a California-based organization. Then, I am affiliated, not closely, but I am very good friends with the executive director of Family Equality, which is a national organization that is actually leading the charge around the Every Child Deserves a Family Act (ECDFA).

What inspired you to write Determined To Be Dad?
As we were going through our adoption and post-adoption, whenever I would talk to someone and tell them little parts of the process, the story, and what we went through, people were like, wow, oh my God, I had no idea it was that difficult. I just found a lot of people were very moved by what we had gone through, so they were very interested in sort of knowing more.

I have a decent-sized network of people, but it is not huge. So, I was like, how do I get the word out to share with a broader group of people? Then, when I was doing research on writing it, I found a lot of books about adoption which were very much about the process, but it did not include a lot of stories around what you go through in your personal journey. I wanted to share more of what it is like when you don’t get a call for six months, or you are getting two or three calls a month, then none of them come through. How you handle the letdown and disappointment. That is what I have written about.

A large part of the book is about your trials and tribulations. What was the biggest hurdle you had to go through?
For our son, we adopted him through the Foster to Adopt Program in California. That program is concurrent planning, where they have a plan for the child to be reunited with the birth family, and then they have a plan for the child to be adopted by the adoptive family. So, it is kind of a strange plan because one of the two parties loses out. We had to do visits with our son’s birth mother twice a week in the first six months, and there were moments when she was doing very well with her rehabilitation. The courts started to talk about things like overnight visits and really started talking about this idea that he could potentially be reunified. That was a big hurdle.

What was the writing process like for you?
I had a lot of imposter syndrome going into the writing process and thought that I could not really write a book. Like, I had not been trained in that, and I didn’t really have the skills to do it. When I initially started writing, I actually didn’t write because I was so critical. I ended up doing the audio on Word where you can just sort of speak in.

I started to speak about these experiences in my life, and that was the beginning of my writing process. Then, about a month after I had done that, I would just spend an hour a day thinking about stories and recite them into Word. I got kind of annoyed with that because Word does not do punctuation. I ended up going back a lot, then I just told myself to not edit.

I basically decided to not think about word structure, sentence structure, or utilization of proper grammar. Just get the sentences on the page. Once I was able to do that, then I would literally drop my kids off in the morning and head over to Starbucks near my son’s school. I would sit for like three hours and just write. I would put music on and just write. Eventually, when I got everything sorted out on paper, I went to a good friend who I went to college with, he is a writer for Forbes, I went to him and gave him a draft to review. Then, I did a major second revision after that.

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Why have you always been intent on starting a family?
That is a good question. I think it has always been in my DNA. It has always been important to me. I have a very close relationship with my parents, and I want that relationship with children. I also have a very large, extended family. Around 26 first cousins, 10 aunts and uncles, everyone is married and has children. I did not really know any other way, to be honest. That was really what I knew.

Why did you choose to adopt rather than other methods like artificial insemination?
We spent a lot of time talking about it. I think the major deterrent for surrogacy for us was cost. It is very expensive. I also think neither one of us felt like we are attached to our DNA. Neither one of us saw that we needed to have children that looked like us. We were never really attached to that. The other thing was, we already felt like there are a lot of kids out there that need families. We are both Catholics and have a strong faith in God, so we felt like there is a child out there that is kind of already intended for us, which was the case.

How has Determined To Be Dad been received by audiences?
Really good. I had a lot of early readers, people that I know. I go to a men’s group, and some of the guys I know decently, but they are not, like long-term relationships. Most of them are straight guys, and I gave the book to three of the guys, three of straight dads, and they were just like, wow. To have straight men read it and be blown away by it, I was like, OK, there is something here. I am very happy with how it has been received.

What is the number-one thing you hope readers take away from it?
Specifically to LGBTQ people, you can dream about being whoever you want to be, and if that includes being a parent and having family, you can have that as well. We, as LGBTQ ,people often see our lives with limits to what we can do because of our orientation. My hope and goal with the book is that people see that there is no limit.

For LGBTQ people that grew up in religious homes or had bad childhoods where they were bullied, they may be like, there is no way I want a family. That’s awful; that was a terrible experience. I want them to know that they can create their own. That is really my biggest hope.What would you say is the most rewarding and most challenging part of being a dad?
The most rewarding part is the unconditional love, affection, attachment, and connection. I don’t know how else to describe it. It is very rewarding and fulfilling to be there for your children when they are struggling or doing well. Just being able to participate in their full range of emotions.

I think the most challenging thing for me as a dad is that I am not a young guy. I am in my 50s, and I have a 5-year-old son who has a huge amount of energy. It can be physically hard when they are very active. So, I would say that is the biggest challenge. A lot of people are having kids at an older age now. People are doing careers first, then having children. It can be a strain on your physical stamina. Matthew had a lot of difficulties sleeping during the beginning part of his life, so we would be up with two or three times throughout the night. It is exhausting.

What do you personally hope to take away from writing Determined To Be Dad?
That is a great question. In my fantasy, dream world, I hope to have this book translated in different languages. Although, I do not have plans to publish it in another language immediately because the translation is very expensive.

I lived in Spain for a long time, so one of my fantasies is having it translated into Spanish and having it distributed throughout Latin America because a lot of Central America/Latin America countries are now adopting pro-LGBTQ legislations, but I still think there are a lot of cultural holdbacks for folks in those countries. I would love to do a book reading in Bueno Aires and have a young, queer person come up to me and say, wow, I can do this. Thank you for sharing that. That would be a success.

You are also a diversity and inclusion consultant who works to create more inclusive workplaces and communities. Can you talk more about that?
I worked at a major biotech company in the Bay Area up until 2018, and I started my own consulting firm. The work that I do for diversity inclusion is really around creating inclusive workplaces, and what that means is, trying to create policies and/or programming that makes every employee feel like they can be authentic in themselves at work. Some of that has to do with diversity, the representation part of it. So, some of it is about how to bring in more employees of diverse backgrounds. Diverse race backgrounds, experiences, etc.

What we are talking about now is very much tied to systemic racism and white supremacy. Once they are there, how do we create a culture and break down the system so that a young, African-American employee that comes to work in a big biotech company can be fully themselves and not feel like they must code switch in order to come to work.

It is hard work because it is really uncomfortable, and that is where the coaching aspect of my business comes in. People who grew up in very homogeneous environments have stories in their heads about different people, and they are reinforced in media and elsewhere. It is about what these stories are and how we can change the narrative. So, that is the kind of work I do.

Before we wrap up, do you have any upcoming projects we should be on the lookout for?
I have been focused on getting this out, so I have not thought about what’s next, but I have been kind of playing with the idea of doing a book on cancer. I had cancer in 2018 and 2019, prostate cancer, which ties to a lot of men’s masculinity and sexuality. I have been thinking a little bit about what it would be like to write a book about that journey.

Then I have also been thinking about what it would be like to write a book about authentic leadership. From a writing perspective, I think I will focus on those two things, and then my business is still new, so I am just trying to get it up and running.

To stay up-to-date with Disselhorst, follow him on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, or visit his official website.

Photos Courtesy of Jon Encarnacion Photography