Navigating Loss and Coping with Trauma

Loss is an umbrella term that we experience in many different ways. How do we navigate through these heavy emotions and develop healthy coping skills? OFM met with Janine D’Anniballe, PhD, the director of trauma services at Moving to End Sexual Assault (MESA). OFM talked with with D’Anniballe about the layers of loss and grief and how we can integrate these experiences into our lives as we fight the never ending battle of  “moving on.”

What advice would you give to someone experiencing loss whether it’s a loved one, friendship, housing, work-related, or personal?

The first thing would be just to recognize that grief is a very normal response to a loss. So, feeling sad, feeling lost, feeling anxious, feeling sometimes even angry—All those are very normal responses to when an attachment that we have to someone or something is broken. I suggest being gentle with oneself as they navigate that because there’s nothing abnormal or dysfunctional about someone the way someone would feel after such a loss.

Have a lot of gentleness with oneself, and know that there’s a difference between grief and grieving. Grieving is the process over time, and just knowing that over time, the response could change and evolve. It may not always feel as intense or as acute as it does, right when the loss happens, but it doesn’t mean it won’t hurt.

How would you go about navigating the healing process of grief or loss of life?

Sometimes the hardest (part) is to feel your feelings about it. Not trying to get caught up in this idea we have to be strong or just get over it—actually feel the feelings, and process them in some way. Some of us do that by talking to other people about it. Some of us might write about it. Some of us might, you know, work it out physically. But whatever way, let there be room and space to kind of process those feelings, and feel them.

What are some steps to moving on from traumatic life events?

I would say, we don’t move on. It’s not about moving on as much as it is about integrating the experience into our life because it’s always going to be part of us, and the way we integrate is literal baby steps. One foot in front of the other each day trying to make the best, kindest, healthiest decisions for ourselves as we continue to integrate that loss as part of our life.

How do you advise someone coping with the after effects of sexual assault?

Acknowledge that when somebody is sexually assaulted, there’s loss involved. There’s a loss of feeling safe, being able to trust other people, and maybe of friendship groups, places they used to go, or things they used to do. After a sexual assault, you grieve each loss, for you can’t fully heal until you grieve what you lost.

The other part that’s critical is seeking support to make sure people feel they’re not alone. Unfortunately, one in four women, one in six men, have been sexually assaulted. So by reaching out, and feeling there’s other people who are navigating the same thing, we make sure that we’re seeking connection and support with people that can support that healing process.

How can suppressing emotions affect the bereaved later on?

When we try to push down our emotions or not feel them, that might work for a short period of time, but eventually, they’re going to come out sideways in some form. If we don’t feel the loss or the sadness, it can come out in terms of anxiety. For example, maybe starting with panic attacks or other forms of anxiety. That’s really a different form of grief that hasn’t been allowed to express more directly.  

We try to tamper our feelings down by doing things like drinking more alcohol, using more substances, or overexercising. Again, that can work for the short term, but long term, you’re creating a host of other problems because of those issues. Our emotions will affect our physical, mental, spiritual, cognitive minds later on because grief is like a full-body impact, and there’s no way around that. But if we can talk about it, feel it now, we can move through it.

What is important to know when specifically working with queer folks on healing and grief? 

Lots of things, because in the queer community, there can be a lot of losses, like a ton of losses on top of losses. Sometimes by being queer, coming out as nonbinary, trans, whatever it may be—there might be loss of family relationships, friend relationships. Again, a loss of feeling safe, a loss of feeling validated in the community. 

So you have these layered losses, and on top, there’s a more general lack of support from mainstream society that can impact the grieving process. There’s real special barriers that I think the LGBTQ community are faced with when it relates to any psychological kind of challenge. There’s already been so much marginalization, stigmatization, and loss. Sometimes that foundation can be a little shaken, and then you add another loss on top of that, a loss of a partner, a loss of a pet, a loss of a job, and then it can all feel very large.

Is there anything else you’d like to add or share?

Grief is like walking around with two mismatched shoes on. You can still walk in them; you can move, but you’re probably not moving well. It’s not very comfortable. And while you might look functional from the waist up, it hurts. So, just think about that. Have gentleness for yourself as we walk with those mismatched shoes, and have kindness and compassion for others who might be walking with those mismatched shoes as well.