Losing interest after a one-night-stand

Dear Brent,

Everybody agrees that the guy who has sex with you once then loses all interest is an asshole. I am that guy. I love sex, but to me, unzipping a guy’s fly is like unwrapping a present – no fun if you’ve already seen it. I feel like a douchebag when someone wants to come over a second time and at most I just want to be friends. They say I’m “afraid of intimacy” or “on a conquest,” but I really think it’s just how I’m wired. Is there a normal, biological explanation or am I just a sociopath?

So let’s get this straight – you get off on the excitement of getting down and dirty with someone new. During that first encounter, you experience the powerful sexual tension, strip off his clothes, kiss him deeply, taste his salty neck, feel him as he grinds into you, enjoy how he uses his mouth on parts of your body, feeling the muscles strain, and achieve a mind-blowing orgasm.

OK, this is more like cheesy gay porn novel then my usual relationship column … and no, I totally don’t understand what about that scenario turns you on.

All homoerotic imagery and smartass comments aside, your interests and behaviors relating to the excitement of getting off with a new person are quite common. Though there is no organic reason for either monogamy or wanting to screw a football team every week, there are many things to consider about your patterns.

First of all, there is nothing innately wrong with getting sweaty and filthy with others. We all have sexual contact for different reasons. We can do it to show affection. Some people attempt to increase their feelings of self-esteem and self-importance through the people they screw. Other people try to gain acceptance, love, or a sense of purpose through their intimate encounters. Sometimes, being bored, lonely, depressed, or angry drives us to hook up. Some are thrilled about the hunt and conquest aspects. Of course, there are those of us that admit that we are just horny people.

There is something very understandable about enjoying someone new, exciting and fun. When situations or people get repetitious, boring, or difficult, we may choose to leave the situation or just not want to get involved in the first place. To avoid these potential circumstances, some shy away from deeper relationships and connections. This is dangerous: It reinforces an avoidance of anything uncomfortable or that causes conflict. It also can keep us from establishing more than surface intimacy with others.

It is important that you act within your sexual boundaries and protect yourself physically and emotionally. I do think it is crucial to be honest with yourself and your partner (or partners) about your motivations, limits, intentions, and what really gets you going.

I’m definitely a strong proponent of sexual freedom and embracing those things that we want. I also believe that sex is amazing when people are truly connected and can improve over time when you learn how to make his toes curl or you let him know of your special spots that make you bark.