Learning to let the drama go

There are many benefits to travel. You get to go to cool places, meet all kinds of cool people, and find space: Space to think your own thoughts, space to breathe – space between you and the drama.

Yes, I said it, drama.

I love being a lesbian. Every day is an adventure through the emotional ups and downs of the women of my community. But we must collectively admit that we can be incredibly dramatic. When I get on a plane, leaving behind people and things I would have been involved in, I get the opportunity for perspective.

Things can be just too much for me. From the femmiest femme to the butchest butch, lesbians are women – emotional creatures. Have you ever seen Real Housewives? Emotion isn’t just crying hysterically – it’s also anger, jealousy, depression, euphoria, and of course, general ridiculosity.

I love my people so much and want nothing other than happiness and love for them. When this isn’t what they’re experiencing, I’ve imagined I was failing them, tortured by the idea that I can’t fix it.

There used to be times I’ve been thrilled to see the spires of DIA rising over the horizon on my way out of town. But when I’d return, I’d find out all the stuff that happened while I was gone. “Why didn’t you call me,” I used to ask, dismayed. The answer was always the same: “you were gone, I didn’t want to bother you.”

I used be offended when people would tell me that. I don’t understand. I’m still your friend. You usually just text me anyway, so why does my physical distance make a difference? 

Though I don’t actually have an answer to that, puzzling over that question brought me to the conclusion that it really doesn’t matter. The idea that my counsel wasn’t requested would hurt my pride – I believe my perspective can be useful. But when I acknowledge all that, the word pride jumps out. Now I get it. It’s my ego that has the issue.

What matters is that they work it out without me.

The funny thing is, I really would prefer to spend time with my peeps when we’re all in a good place. It’s much more fun when someone doesn’t get drunk and start crying or fighting, isn’t it? When we can go out, eat, laugh, dance, talk, drink, smoke, giggle and generally be of good cheer, this is the best time. But in every group of friends there are always at least one or two people having issues with someone else. If we spend too much time together, something always happens.

I’ve realized I’ve been extraordinarily codependent with friends and lovers. I would defend them, speak on their behalf, puzzle to find ways to expose where their challenges lay. I needed them to need me to feel fulfilled, or so I thought. Life is about learning your lessons. You don’t learn anything until you have some sort of challenge.

As I began working on a new path a couple of years ago, my people’s need for me changed, it began to feel burdensome: If I spend all of my time working on your stuff, I don’t have any time for my stuff. I couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t just figure it out for themselves. Oh right, I helped create this need for “Robyn.” We all have to grow up. Part of that journey is developing our emotional health. It is our responsibility to speak up for ourselves. If you want a champion, look in the mirror.

Now when I get on a plane, I can relax knowing that there will be things that happen to and with my people that have nothing to do with me. And although, sometimes it will be difficult to hear, I will listen proudly as they tell me how they worked it out. My proud smile will be tinged with the tiniest bit of ego if they tell me that something I’ve told them helped.

OK, so I like it, when it’s still a little bit about me.