Kody Kay Finds a Home at the Colorado Gay Rodeo

The same year Kimberley Kay was waving to the crowds as Ms. Colorado Gay Association, she was wrestling 500 pound steers to the ground with her bare hands. This duality is a big part of who Kimberley was — and who Kody Kay is.

Kody is the name Kimberley took when he transitioned five years ago. While transitioning has made his life easier in many ways, he says it’s actually been a challenge at the rodeo. As a feminine woman, he said, “I appealed to everybody across the board. I could fit in anywhere as Kimberley.” But, as a transgender man, “I got more support from straight people than I did from gay people in the community.”

Kay moved to Colorado in 1989 and was elected Ms. Gay Pride 1990. Those fundraising activities led to the gay rodeo in 2004.

“I competed in chute dogging, which is the high school version of steer wrestling,” he said. It’s not easy. Participants begin in the chute with a 400-500 pound steer. When the chute opens, the cowboy or cowgirl runs to a line 10 feet from the chute, then has 60 seconds to get the steer on the ground with all four legs up. And there’s no rope involved. “It’s your hands and your body. At the time I was a 120 pound woman!” he exclaimed.

In the years since his transition, he’s put on 25 pounds. But even now, especially at 55 years of age, it’s no easy task. While participating in the Arizona Gay Rodeo earlier this year, the steer jumped him and broke one of his ribs.

“I think I’m done. It takes too long to heal from any little, bitty injury anymore,” he said. He may not be competing anymore, but he isn’t leaving the sport. As part of the International Gay Rodeo Association (IGRA), Kay continues to announce events at a couple rodeos and even represents Arkansas as a delegate at the annual convention.

The IGRA is comprised of more than 20 associations. It all began here in Colorado, where the first convention was held in 1982. Since then, IGRA’s website reports “over two million dollars . . .  has been raised and distributed [to those] who care for and seek cures for those with the HIV disease, as well as other emerging GBLT health and social welfare needs.”

Kay has spent years helping to raise some of those funds with his gay rodeo work, all the while struggling with the opposing sides of himself that now seem to be in harmony. It’s this duality that has helped and hurt his efforts to become who he really is. First, to identify as part of the LGBTQ community, then to be accepted as a man.

While living as a woman, Kay said he started having relationships with girls at the age of 14.

“I was having sex with these women, but didn’t know I was gay… I didn’t even know that term,” he said. It wasn’t until his sister took him to a gay bar in his junior year of college that he said he finally understood. “I had no reference. It was like, ‘oh well, this is actually normal… there’s this whole world; it’s not just me.’” But even then, he felt out of place. He just didn’t fit.

While going through counseling as part of his transition, he said he realized looking back that most of his girlfriends were straight before they met him and straight after they broke up. “There was something about me. They weren’t lesbians, didn’t want to be with a woman, but they wanted to be with me,” he said. It began to make sense around 2000. Again, he knew he was different, but at the time he didn’t even know the word “transgender.” That’s when he said that “the trans thing crossed my radar,” and he started to think, “Oh my gosh, maybe I’m trans. Maybe that’s why I’ve always hated being called a lesbian. I’m not a lesbian; I just date women.”

That year, Kay cut his waist-length hair short and made his first attempt to transition. Backlash from friends and associates led to him growing his hair back and shelving his plans. The dualities in his life would once again play a role. Kay, who now owns his own heating and air conditioning company, has worked in the male dominated field for more than 20 years — most of that time as Kimberley. It might seem like a man would be more accepted. But Kay says that was not the case when he tried to transition again in 2007.

“When I had long hair and I was a girl, everything was fine. But when I looked butch people would look at me funny. So, again, I grew my hair back out and went about my business.”

In 2012 his mother was diagnosed with cancer. At the same time, Kay experienced a midlife crisis.

“I couldn’t figure out what I needed to feel satisfied. Finally when my mom got cancer and me and my little sister were gonna shave our heads [in solidarity] I said ‘I have to do this for myself, screw everybody else.’” Kay shaved his head at a fundraiser at the Oklahoma rodeo.  From that moment on, he’s lived as Kody.

In an attempt to help others, Kay transitioned very publically. He recorded and uploaded his first reveal to YouTube following top surgery. So far, nearly 110,000 people have viewed the video and watched as he saw his new chest for the first time.

“I wanted to reach young people, or even older people who thought they were too old. You’re not too old. I did it when I was 50,” he said. At the same time, he’s quick to mention, it’s only one aspect of himself. “Being transgender is not my defining factor. It’s just part of who I am, like being right-handed,” he said.

As for Kimberley, there’s a kind of ultimate duality there, too. After his transition, he married a woman named Kimberly who took his last name. Kimberly Kay lives on as a woman – with one small difference. His wife’s name isn’t spelled with the extra “e.”  After struggling most of his life, at 55, Kody Kay has found his place, who he is, and who he is meant to be.