Kermie Kurmudgeon’s Road Rages and Rants

”Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot,

and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” — George Carlin

By 2050, Front Range population will rise to 10,000,000! Think traffic sucks now? Double the number of these idiots and maniacs!

Sly Slow Pokers drive 10 miles under speed limit, then punch through a yellow light leaving you fuming at a red light.

3-ton Diesel Dementos: After you honk at their pick-up that’s bigger than your apartment, these 3Ds flip you off and point to a gun rack.

Honking Horn-Ins blast away if you prevent them crossing three lanes of traffic inside of 50 feet and changing lanes 37 times in the next three blocks because, of course, that lane is faster. You stay in one lane … and pass them as he/she gets stuck behind a red light. Yes!

Texas Twits: YOU DO NOT OWN COLORADO ROADS! (Note: Never call a Texan a twit to his/her face.)

Kalifornia Kooks: IT’S UNSAFE TO DRIVE 85 MPH ON I-25 DURING A BLIZZARD! (Note: It’s expected to call a Californian a kook.)

Cadillac Crammers squeeze their Esperanzas in a space marked “COMPACT ONLY.”

Sprawling Screwballs take two parking spaces for their Mini-Cooper.

Buttinskys zoom past motorists following “merge” warnings, try to cut in, DON’T signal. And I’m supposed to let you in?

The Dazed and Confused can’t signal because the device a baby can flick is a “secret.” Or they leave the signal on because they’re from Miami.

Oh-Yeah-Buddies speed up the moment you pass, thinking, “Oh yeah, buddy?” I’ll show you! I was safely dialing on my mobile phone.

Mobile Phone Morons — often confused with drunks or stoners — drive 2 mph, weave in and out, and/or move forward only after the car in front is 10 lengths ahead.

Horse Blinder Behinders don’t scrape snow off their windshields because they only drive forward.

Crazy Ticketers? Alamosa to Walsenburg: Two-lane highway, no traffic, clear blue sky. Cripes, the cop had to be doing 90 to catch me — I mean you. How crazy is that!?

Conspiratorial Truckers block I-70 West, one semi traveling 10 mph passing another going 9 mph … from Clear Creek to the Eisenhower Tunnel!

Parental Nits display the yellow diamond warning “Baby on Board.” Whew! Dodged that vehicular homicide!

Deejay Dorks cruise in boom-box autos with sound systems rivaling the Pepsi Center and Richter-scale 6 quaking, threatening to crack your engine block and shred your eardrums. Do not open your window, crank up your radio, turn slyly, and think, “HA! Take that! Public Radio!” (Not so much intimidating as embarrassing.)

Ass Riders (not the good kind) almost kiss the rear bumper of the vehicle in front displaying the bumper sticker, “If you can read this, I will shoot you.” Not a good idea. Just sayin’.

RTD Imbeciles follow a bus for blocks and lurch in front of you when it slows for a stop. Really? Did you think that was Grandpa’s motor-home?

Jaywalking Jerks too damn lazy to walk 50 feet to an intersection, cross the middle of Colfax, daring you to hit them.

Lemming Hogs, at a left lane signal timed to allow three, will chase the 37 more who turn. (Note: T-boning is illegal.)

Narcissistic Bicyclists: like evangelicals, think laws don’t apply to them.

Pushovers refuse your signal because allowing you to overtake makes them wimps on the freeway of life. By God, not here!

Start-Your-Engine-NASCAR-Wannabes rev their engines at I-25 on-ramp control lights, then floor it because to be second would make them wimps on the freeway of life. By God, not here!

So I’m outta here! Moving to Peyton, near Colorado Springs, population 250, and no, not the birthplace of our beloved Broncos quarterback. Or Two Buttes, population 43, a hill in Colorado’s southwest Baca County. The name makes me giggle. But driving in Colorado? No laughing matter.