‘I’m mistrusting my new relationship’

Dear Brent,

I’ve been dating a great guy for several weeks and we’re serious about each other. We both agreed that for right now we want to be monogamous, but discussed opening it up somewhat in the future. I discovered that there are two guys my boyfriend still talks to about finding time to meet up — he says he’s still being faithful, but I’m seeing some red flags.

What would you do?

.

It sounds like you both recognize that rolling around naked with just one person for the rest of your relationship may not be one of your long-term relationship goals, but it also sounds like you don’t completely trust he’s being honest about his activities meeting up with old flames.

I would think about whether you distrust him specifically, or if your perceptions have been affected to not trust any gay dude you’re dating when he hangs out with other gay guys. The old adage, “boys will be boys,” can be applied to some people’s opinions that gay men are unlikely to be dedicated, faithful
or honest.

Trust is one of those things that must be built up over time, but hopefully you are a good judge of character and have chosen someone with integrity. Unfortunately, there are some who lie, cheat and sneak around — to the dismay of their past partners in relationships. Bearing the brunt of these experiences, or being aware of them happening to others, can make us feel insecure and look for X-Files-type conspiracy theories everywhere we look.

Before you hire a private investigator to lurk in the bushes taking pictures of your boyfriend’s coffee date, take the time to talk to him about your personal concerns and where they come from. A relationship that is not built on trust is doomed to fail. If you care about continuing to form a strong bond with your boyfriend, take the time and effort to have conversations about a variety of things you want out of a relationship: passions, insecurities, pet peeves, dreams and concerns.

I’m curious about what conversations you’ve had so far with your boyfriend around his activities with these guys. The process of “meeting up” can be as innocent as grabbing a bite with old buddies to have a great chat and catch up on each other’s lives. Of course it could also be getting freaky. Gay men can and do develop non-sexual friendships with each other regardless of whether they have sexual history. (Although some feel that this species of homo is rare or extinct, they do exist!) And many actually have integrity and keep their promises.

Another pitfall that some couples experience is thinking that your world needs to revolve around that super awesome person you just started dating. In the honeymoon period you can’t get enough of each other — you text 200 times a day while you’re at work reminding each other how much you are yearning for their touch, and spend every available moment together. Maintaining contact with old friends can be a really healthy way to balance that out when you’re getting into a committed relationship, so it’s possible that your boyfriend’s connection with other guys is a good sign rather than a bad one.