How To Develop Your Inner Douchebag

I’ve been writing these columns for more than four years with the primary purpose of helping people create better, more fulfilling lives. In light of the overwhelming patterns emerging in our culture of people acting in thoughtless, judgmental, and mean-spirited ways, this tutorial will help you become better equipped to deal with these situations and people. Don’t worry about trying to change other people’s behaviors or have your own integrity — it’s better to just give in, fit in, and act like a douchebag! Everyone else seems to be doing it, so follow along. Don’t forget that practice makes perfect!

Make six dates for the same day and time — in case people flake out. If nothing else, you can be well positioned for an orgy or a small dinner party.

it’s awesome to have initial conversations discussing the size of someone’s equipment, inquiring about their favorite sexual activities, or requesting pictures of them screwing. Get these most important questions out in the open and answered upfront. People are rarely worth more than just a sexy romp anyway.

Don’t bother showing up or letting someone know you won’t be coming. It takes way too long to shoot someone a text to be thoughtful, and your time is definitely more precious than theirs.

if someone contacts you and you’re not interested, put them in their place and tell them why you think they’re an ugly loser. It’s much better to do something like this than risk saying ‘thanks’ and having them continue to pursue you. Hopefully, being mean will get them to either leave social networking sites or quit going out in public to meet new people.

If you’re not attractive, find pictures of a someone you think will lure a stranger into meeting you. Don’t worry if you don’t really look like that picture — the other person will probably be so desperate it won’t matter. Most of us just want to get off and it doesn’t really matter who it’s with.

Practice snarky comments, aggressive body language, and bitchy facial expressions to keep people away. The only people you’ll attract will be those awesome guys who are playing the same game.

keep looking for a better option after you make firm plans with someone. Trust me, there are tons of hotter people just around the corner. Don’t quit the search! It’ll be worth it when some other stud shows up to fulfill your fantasies better than the first one.

Hot and heavy conversations should leave them wanting more, but don’t ruin it by giving them anything physical from you. If you tell them you’re truly interested in meeting, they’ll keep pumping you with hot masturbation material that you’ll never have to make good on in person.

Refuse to open the door when someone shows up to mess around. The thrill of the chase is so awesome. It should be satisfying enough to know you made them want you and that they’re leaving angry and sexually frustrated.

Do whatever you can to get off without reciprocation. If they don’t get off before you, that’s their problem. After shooting, either jump up to wipe off before putting on your pants or roll over to fall asleep. They can do the rest themselves.

*This is an April Fool’s parody. Don’t be a douche.