Homo for the Holidays: Tips for Getting Along with Your Family
When it comes to being queer and home for the holidays, prepare for the worst, but expect the best.
Sadly, I never will forget my first Thanksgiving at mom’s house after telling her on the phone I was gay.
“What’s this gay shit?” she barked at me as soon as we sat down for dinner. I told her if she was going to act that way I’ll go elsewhere for dinner. She started bawling.
For sure, it was the worst Thanksgiving I ever had. I was living in Los Angeles when I came out. I told my mother on the telephone.
While her reaction was poor, I did not expect her to confront me in front of the whole family at Thanksgiving. It would have been so much better if I had a plan for dealing with her outburst.
Read more: Tips for dealing with the Club Q tragedy
You can control your response
Here are some tips from Scripps Health Foundation for keeping peace with the family during the holidays.
Keep a positive attitude. “Before get-togethers with family members, think about the qualities you like about them, rather than focusing on the negative,” says Diep Ho, MD, a family medicine physician at Scripps Clinic Rancho San Diego.
Have realistic expectations. “As refreshing as it would be if your Aunt Marge didn’t criticize your outfit this year, she probably will,” Scripps advises. “Don’t expect people to change when they have behaved in the same way for years.” Says Dr. Thomas C. Lian: “Minimize your contact with difficult relatives and spend more time interacting with people you like.”
Don’t discuss upsetting topics. “Politics and religion are obvious, but people also bring up sensitive subjects without thinking about how they might affect others,” according to Scripps. “’Are you ever going to get married?’’ may seem harmless, but more likely than not, it will strike a nerve. Plan to keep conversation conflict-free by avoiding potentially sensitive topics, or simply ask what’s new and take it from there.”
Remember the old saying that only you can control your reactions. You may not have any control over what others say and do during the holidays, but you can control how you react to it.
“Avoiding topics that tend to spark arguments helps diffuse tense situations before they even start,” says Dr. Ho. “If a family member insists on discussing it, try to change the subject tactfully.”
Don’t drink too much. If you drink alcohol, do so in moderation, according to Scripps. “Some people become aggressive or argumentative when they’ve had too much to drink,” notes Dr. Lian. “If you are one of them, minimize your drinking, or stick to non-alcoholic beverages. Avoid people who have had too much to drink, and don’t let them drive.”
Keep things active and lighthearted. “It’s difficult to be drawn into an argument when engrossed in an activity that requires concentration, physical activity or laughter,” says Dr. Lian. “Play a game; go for a walk on the beach, or watch a funny holiday movie.”
Take a deep breath—or five. “Can’t physically leave a stressful situation? You can always focus on your breathing,” says Scripps. “Take five slow, deep breaths, focusing on breathing in and out. According to Dr. Lian, even this short break can have a powerful effect on stress and anxiety.”
