HELLO HOMO: HIV Disclosure with Dr. Zackarina Jenny-Hoe

Hello Homo,

I became HIV positive earlier this year. I’m told I’m undetectable, and I take my meds as they were prescribed. I’m falling in love with this guy, and I’m afraid he won’t want to continue dating me or even sleep with me if I tell him my status. Do you have any advice? Do I have to tell him?

-Anonymous, Cap Hill

Hi Anonymous,

This question comes up more often than most would think. I have supported many clients who live with HIV and helped them navigate how they wanted to disclose their status. I contacted an expert on the subject for clear information and answers.

 Dr. Zackarina Jenny-hoe  (not a doctor) is a drag queen, public health activist, and Bee the Vibe program manager, a harm reduction program at Mile High Behavioral Healthcare in Denver. They offer programs and projects related to all thing’s prevention and harm (substance use and sex-related).

Bee the VIbe offers free STI testing: HIV, Hep C., syphilis, chlamydia, and gonorrhea, and you can get all five of those results in 30-40 minutes.

Additionally, they offer education and resources around sex education, safer sex education, and queer sex education. They distribute naloxone, which is the life-saving overdose reversal tool for fentanyl overdose, and give out free fentanyl test trips.

Dr. Zackarina says, “We help people have fun and enjoy doing the things that they want to do but find ways to mitigate some of the risks that might be associated with higher risk—with activities like substance use and sex.” So, who better to ask than Dr. Zackarina?

Dr. Zackarina: First, it sounds like this person feels confident in themselves and has found some confidence in their status and who they are. So, props to them!

Second, conversations regarding the disclosure of an HIV-positive status are unfortunately riddled with so much stigma that they make open and honest communication incredibly difficult. They stated they know they are undetectable, which means they are untransmittable. That’s it.

If somebody is consistent with their treatment and their viral load is at an undetectable level, then they’re unable to transmit HIV. It’s untransmittable. Signed, sealed, delivered.

HIV Disclosure: the legality and morality of it all.

When you know your status going into a sexual experience, even when you are undetectable, considerations branch off in two main thoughts:  2) legality around disclosing status and 2) morality around disclosing status.

Legality

So, when it comes to laws, transmitting HIV when you do not disclose your status to a partner is not illegal itself. That’s confusing wording, but it’s not illegal to not tell a partner about STIs and HIV in Colorado. So, if you know that you have an STI, or you know you are living with HIV, undetectable or detectable, it is not illegal not to disclose your status to your partners.

However, Colorado does have sentence enhancement laws. This occurs when a person with HIV commits a certain crime like sexual assault or rape, and they know they have detectable HIV; there could be an enhancement added to that sentence to that criminal charge of sexual assault, etc.

The short answer is that not disclosing (outside of enhancement laws) is not illegal. My take is that HIV status is not going away. The stigma is the issue, and that can go away. HIV is a treatable but not curable disease, and people living with HIV can lead happy, long, healthy lives. They are not dirty in any way.

Morality

The moral obligation rightly comes into the equation of what ‘we owe each other’ for sharing this information. My take is that it’s less of a moral obligation and more of a mutual obligation for our community to love and respect each other (those living with the virus and those who are not).

If somebody discloses their status, and they explain if they are undetectable (or not) it can be a trust and bond-building opportunity between partners where they can leverage their harm reduction tools together.

HOMO: This falls within the realm of consent, radical consent, and open communication. It also presents an opportunity to filter out unhealthy partners who may be overly stigmatized by the virus.

Dr. Zackarina: Someone who can’t accept your status might not be the right person for you. Regardless of how salient your status is and your identity as someone living with HIV, it’s not just a part of you; it is you. So, if there is someone who you want to love you (in any capacity), and if they are not able to accept that part of you, then they do not truly love you. They might love the aspects of you. But everyone deserves to be loved as the full person they are.

When it comes to this moral obligation, it’s a mutual obligation to share status and support if there is a partner with HIV in a relationship. It’s more of a moral obligation to each other that we are both showing up as who we are and accepting each other for it. If one person is living with HIV, they both are.

I could see someone living with HIV as having to deal with a moral Tetris and figuring out how to disclose to a hookup versus while dating or entering into a relationship and navigating responsibility. 

My take is it’s your own morals and values. At the end of the day, I can’t tell somebody what to do or think. Typically, if you are a person in the harm reduction world, you are educated on the subject of HIV, with random hookups that come down to you if you’re never going to see that person again. You’re undetectable. You’re living your best life. But if you are putting somebody’s safety in danger, you’re morally obligated to inform them.

I mean, that is a solid rubric.

That’s one of the best things you can do for yourself and your community. And then you know, as you continue to navigate the fun and confusing world, you can make choices that help support you and help support your community.

So, where would you like people to find resources related to this topic?

OFM readers can visit Bee the Vibe’s website and Instagram, and they can also follow me, Dr. Zackarina!

You perform at Hamburger Mary’s pretty regularly, right?

Yeah, I’m kind of all-around Hamburger Mary’s. I have a monthly comedy show at Rise Comedy.

I think this info will be helpful not only to this OFM reader but also to many other people living with HIV. Thank you to Dr. Zackarina, Bee the Vibe, and the reader for creating this dialogue around HIV and disclosure.

 Follow me on Instagram @holistic.homosexual for updates on my column and stay tuned for the next HELLO HOMO!

See you next week!  

Have a question you would like answered?

Submit your questions directly to me at hellohomo@ofm.media

Disclaimer: Hello Homo is for informational and educational purposes and is not a substitute for mental health treatment. Hello Homo (Jesse Proia) is not providing mental health advice, diagnosis or treatment to readers. If you are someone you know is experience a mental health crisis or emergency, please contact 911, 988 or go to the nearest emergency room