Gay discrimination: is preferring one race to another racist or just taste?

Dear Brent,
I am an African American gay man. I have a very good job, a nice car and home, work out three times a week and love to travel. My problem is that I can’t find a man in my life. I am attracted to straight or bisexual white or Latino men. Many white guys in Denver don’t like African American guys. I know some are secretly attracted to other races and they don’t want their friends to know. Guys seem to be shallow and more interested in body than personality. What should I do?

Unfortunately when we are not getting the response and attention we want from others, it is easy to become jaded, bitter and grumpy. There are very few absolutes in the world, so hopefully some gay men in Denver are interested in guys of color. It would be a shame if white dudes were the only ones getting laid or having relationships.

We are all attracted to certain types and qualities. Sometimes when someone makes our bunny jump, it is strictly physical, while other times a fantastic sense of humor, razor-sharp intellect, or love of traveling can provide a strong attraction for someone. Identifying what is attractive to us is an important part of accepting ourselves. I’m sure there are characteristics in others that you find attractive, while others tend to turn you off.

Be careful not to generalize too much that gay men in Denver discriminate against black guys. It’s normal to be turned down for some reason, be it our ethnicity, body type, HIV status, height, hobbies, sexual interests or hair on our backs. We have all been turned down by someone for something at some point in our lives. We have also most likely turned someone down that doesn’t interest us. No one is attractive to everyone.

When we get turned down, hopefully it does not completely destroy our self-esteem. When we develop a bad attitude about meeting people, hooking up or going on dates, we risk stopping ourselves from taking chances to potentially meet some amazing new people. Be careful about letting a negative outlook keep you from connecting with people.

Here are a few other thoughts relating to your letter. I find it interesting that you talk about people only being interested in physical appearances. Yet, it was these surface qualities that you mentioned in your letter about yourself and when describing who you were attracted to you used physical characteristics. You discussed your profession, possessions and interests. Then, you identify general attractions in straight or bisexual men who are either white or Latin.

It is a great decision to figure out and express what you take pride in or find interesting about yourself, but I am a little confused about how you are presenting yourself.

You identified being attracted to men of two ethnic backgrounds with two options for their sexual orientation, bisexual or straight.
I’m assuming that you might dismiss a gay Turkish guy since he does not fit into your general definition of attractive people. Not only are all of these desires based on surface items, but you do not express other qualities of substance – in a potential mate – that are important to you.

Another interesting point to make is that you are going for people of two sexual orientations that would have a low chance of being committed or fulfilled in a relationship with you.

It is my opinion a bisexual male either isn’t comfortable with his sexuality or is not going to be fulfilled with only a relationship with a male.

The “straight” men that you have been with are not really “straight,” but probably on the down low.

One last piece of feedback is your comment that guys are embarrassed to admit to their friends that they are attracted to a man of color.

To me that just seems extremely judgmental and bitchy, so I’m calling bullshit on that one. I really don’t think there is any validity to your opinion. I would be more embarrassed to date a train wreck fag than a black dude.

I’m wondering what is going on internally with you. It seems that you may be maintaining many ideas and attitudes that keep you in a negative headspace and keep you from having a healthy relationship with a man. In more ideal situations we find ourselves attracted to physically and emotionally available people that make our head, heart and groins jump up and down.

I would first suggest taking some time to figure out what you really feel would fulfill you and then go for it.