If you don’t like your ‘scene,’ keep looking

As far as human evolution has progressed, there are still many ways we continue to act in tribal ways by finding acceptance in sub-communities that support and intrigue us. Throughout our lives we may search for a group or community of those who are like-minded — sharing common hobbies, taste in music or clothing, sexual ethics or a variety of other activities or beliefs. These may be called subcultures, cliques, communities, clubs, circles or many other things.

Feeling included can improve our quality of life, introduce us to great people, and help to get us out of our homes to do something enjoyable and feel fulfilled — like our lives are making a difference in a community. Unfortunately many of us have felt socially ostracized throughout our lives and never felt like we fit in with an “in crowd.” For others, we tried to create a public image of belonging somewhere we didn’t really feel connected to internally. When we come of age we sometimes continue to search for a sense of fitting in.

There are endless opportunities, but only a limited amount of time and energy we can invest. The first step is to figure out what interests us and how we feel these groups could benefit us. After we figure out where we want to go, there may be a variety of ways to gain membership these communities. Sometimes it is more comfortable for us to be friends with someone who is already a part of the group before we show up for an event, but you can also choose to reach out to the current leadership or simply jump in by showing up.

Regardless of the past, we can gain a variety of things by finding, or creating, our own niche. For some people, acceptance in these subcultures is like a secondary, or even primary, family. It can help us feel celebrated for who we are or what we do. Unfortunately, the acceptance in some communities may come at a price. Group members could dictate what is acceptable, can base belonging on ways of dressing, specific beliefs, or required activities. Members may not feel that they can change the rules passed down from “group elders” who dictate how subjects in their kingdom need to act or appear. A potential member may not be wealthy or successful enough, too chubby, socially awkward, or inexperienced in the community. Rejection can be direct or be more subtle. For those who do not have the confidence to be their own person or really want to join this group, they may be subject to feeling pressured to change themselves on the surface to feel accepted.

Sometimes it seems like our sub-cultures or cliques can also resemble street gangs — the word is technically nothing more than a group of similar people formed for a particular purpose, but it isn’t always positive. These groups can also maintain a particular set of interests, values, and goals, and many times have their own “turf” where, when interlopers enter, they can be made to feel threatened, scorned, out of place or scared to be there.

Regardless if you focus on beneficial or concerning aspects of joining a group, it is important to be aware of your motives to come into the fold and the extent that you will go to become a member. Hopefully you will find true friendships and enjoyment within it, and if you don’t, have the courage to decide to move on.