Fall is for dreamers

Fall is for dreamers. Some might think that summer is, but not me. I’m in love with the (sometimes tortured) artist that is fall. Maybe because no matter how optimistic I grow, decreasingly tortured I am, or open my heart becomes, I can’t deny my pressing introspective instincts to dig deep and reflect on my findings. And fall is for that: reflection.

Once the sweaty, sticky, loud crowds of summer have passed and the year begins the slide to its finale, I can finally step away and duck behind the curtain to look into fall’s crystal ball. Not to see the future, though – to see the past.

Sept. 21 was the last day of summer. As always, the season was a wild, confident, sexy and fiery girl all up in our faces, but every fire has to cool eventually. And only then can we see what’s left.

Fall might be quiet, but she’s potent, wise, and brutally honest without judgment. She knows she’s not perfect, either. She’d rather you be truthful with yourself than summer ever would. I respect that. What does fall have to say this year? Well, she’s just started peeking around the corner, gesturing for me to come on back. I am ready. I’m ready to take a look back at and contemplate 2012 so far: how I’ve been, what I’ve done, where I’ve been and with whom. Most importantly though, I’m ready to uncover why: why I made the choices I’ve made. Oh 2012, you’ve opened up so many worlds to me.

There have been falls in my past when I wrote endlessly (fall is for poetry, too) about feeling a loss of direction, questioning my rationale for the relationships I engaged in, assessing where I was and where I wanted to be. Thank god for those falls. Without them, I wouldn’t have finally been able to move forward.

I’ve been told more than twice (as a compliment and as an insult) that I don’t spend enough time dealing with the past, whether it be what happened 20 years ago or what happened last week, that I focus so much on the present and the future that I am able to actually put my past behind me without being plagued by all the events and the mistakes. Some people might think it’s a front or a sign that I’m callous. Others have told me that they wished they could do the same.

I used to be quite the opposite, though. Oppressed day in and out by my past, but I had to make the decision that I wanted to feel better about it all. And more importantly, I believed I was willing to put in the work.

I’ve seen too many beautiful people waste time pained, guilted, and controlled by the events of their past. Then, they regret the time they just wasted being pained, guilted, and controlled by them. Then, they’re controlled by those moments. It’s all very meta.

I think it’s incredibly important to never forget that life only moves in one direction – clockwise – but not in a stressful way. Instead to have that truth work with us, not against us. It’s at least important to try.

Fall, to me, equals time. It’s the living metaphor. As humans, we’re most often happy when things are born and begin, and devastated when things end. For me, fall is the time to accept the passing of time and all that happened so that there is open, fresh space for growth when the warmth rolls back in.

I remember when I came out, three Septembers ago, how I waved that white flag: conceding to the truth and to conquering my missteps. And fall gave me the space and the strength to slough off the weight of the past.

I don’t move on from my past rashly. I try to follow nature’s orders, hear her reminders. I attempt to take the space that needs taking and focusedly work through what needs addressing. Fall is my cool, calm, safe space to do that.

As 2012’s leaves turn brilliant and let go of their trees, I continue my journey of growth and remember the message written in its branches: Growth doesn’t have to be fast, but it has to be continuous, and it’s OK to let go of what was there to make room for what will be.