Faith & Spirit: Family, faith and conflict over the holidays

By Father Frank Quintana 

For many of us, the holiday season is a cherished time of year. Whatever our cultural heritage, most of us have fond memories of holiday gatherings with extended family, school parties or special religious services (like caroling, midnight Mass or lighting the Chanukah candles).

As gay adults, we may have moved away from some of our childhood traditions and created our own. Conflict with family over sexual orientation can alienate us from them. Intolerant religious teachings about the gay “lifestyle” can alienate us from the religious traditions we grew up with. As sure as we may be about our adult decisions regarding religion and family, becoming a parent has a way of causing us to revisit these topics – especially around the holidays. I think this happens to many people as they become parents, not just gay parents.
Because of the possibility of family conflict, many people forgo traditional family gatherings.

But when children become part of the equation, we become nostalgic about our childhood – the joy of grandparents visiting, the aromatic holiday spices, the mutual expressions of love and the overall ambiance of the holiday season. We want our children to know and experience the same warmth and joy that we did. However, in families where being gay creates conflict, it can be hard to decide which is the right course to take – attending family gatherings where they may have negative experiences, or opting out of family tradition to avoid conflict.

Perhaps this is the question: Is it healthy for us as LGBT people, or healthy for our children, to be cut off from our families of origin and to have our identities and experiences absent from the extended family? Or, is it better to not expose children to negative situations, and to cut ties for the LGBT parents’ own emotional well being?

It may be necessary to cut off contact with someone who cannot refrain from making hurtful, negative remarks to you. Your children should not be around such a toxic person, and your children come first.

I think these are very individual decisions that each family makes based on what is best for that family. However, it helps to take into account that children will not benefit from seeing their parents mistreated or excluded by family members. If a gay spouse or partner is not invited, it might be better to pass on the invitation. Children need to see their parents affirmed, validated, strong, united and proud of whoever they are. All families can expect minor conflicts to arise at family gatherings, but there are situations that are more serious.

Religion in itself can create conflict around the holidays. We may have lapsed in the regular religious practice of our youth, yet we may want our children to understand some of the stories behind the holiday traditions. To relinquish negative feelings about church may be difficult if you’ve been excommunicated from your church or estranged from your family over religious beliefs surrounding gay issues. The good news, though, is there are now many welcoming religious communities.

All families struggle between choosing family traditions or creating their own traditions. However your family chooses to celebrate, the most important consideration is that your family shares quality time together and your children learn that the holidays are a time of joy and inclusiveness to be shared with those closest to you – whoever they may be.

Father Frank is priest in charge of Iago Dei Ministries, providing pastoral care, spiritual coaching, retreats, holy unions/weddings, couples counseling and rites for all sacred transitions. More info at http://imagodei-ecc.org.