Enlightenment or Something Like It

This year I’m celebrating five years as a public speaker. It has been a spectacular journey of self-discovery, filled with unexpected challenges and triumphs. But like many of my ventures, it began from an awkward experience.

I was sitting at a company meeting on a Monday morning in 2017. The whole team was there, including about 40 professionals, vice presidents, and our CEO.

I was listening on and off to various updates when suddenly I heard my name called. They asked if I could speak about a current project—to the entire office.

Uncomfortable with public speaking, I felt an immediate, anxious reaction as I got my first few words out. My heart began pounding from my chest through my ears. I started sweating and couldn’t catch my breath. Despite my desire to speak clearly, all I could think about were how many eyes were watching me.

After a few sentences, I realized I couldn’t exhale enough to form another word. I froze. The stillness of the room dug into my core. I managed to breathe long enough to apologize to everybody for my public speaking anxiety. Our CEO graciously stepped in and saved me.

This event ultimately became one of the most meaningful experiences of my life. Allow me to explain.

In the aftermath of that cataclysmic implosion, I realized that I had just shown my colleagues that I wasn’t always the confident and well-spoken person I tried to present at the office. Although the humility was still setting in, I felt a strange sense of relief. What was so bad about revealing imperfection that I had been trying to avoid?

Public speaking is a challenge for many. Some of us choose to practice and learn to become comfortable with it—Others may decide it’s not for them, and either path is completely fine. I decided to join Toastmasters International to become a better speaker. I didn’t make this decision to push away that difficult experience but to make it part of my story and to embrace it when communicating with others through speaking or writing.

During my time at Toastmasters, I proudly claimed what I called my “level zero” starting point (inspired by my favorite animated film, Kung Fu Panda) and I learned to face that anxiety a bit at a time. I discovered that success doesn’t arrive immediately, but determination creates great strides. Finally, I’ve realized that there is no pinnacle to reach where I will always be a great speaker going forward. I still get nervous sometimes; I still benefit from practice, and each day I do it brings something new.

While authoring and presenting speeches over the last five years, I also discovered a new passion and began freelance writing earlier this year. These endeavors have been an important part of my life, and I’m not sure when I would have found them had that experience at the company meeting not happened.

In every speech and article, I always try to present a central theme of accepting our authentic selves. For example, I’m good at a few things, but in between, I find myself in plenty of awkward moments. I forget names easily and have frustrated quite a few people by doing so. I am clumsy, and I am a master at breaking electronics. I usually do something wrong before I figure out how to do it right. As I share these attributes, I also encourage others to not shy away from their qualities or their current skill levels as we set out to live our lives.

My lessons learned from public speaking bring me to this summer. Amid being incredibly busy at work, striving to establish myself as a freelance writer, and figuring out how to stay informed but not overwhelmed by the current news cycle, my ability to effectively manage stress has gotten away from me.

I decided to start meditating to mitigate daily tension. My objective was simple: Achieve enlightenment so I can be a well-balanced, stress-free individual who always brings an optimistic attitude into the world around me. I may not have really thought I would achieve all these abilities, but somewhere internally my expectations were set.

I’ve had a lifelong fascination with the concept of enlightenment. I picture some sort of monk sitting atop a mountain, basking in the glowing light of eternal harmony, no longer allowing any matter to be of worry after having discovered the answers to all of life’s mysteries.

A few weeks into daily meditating, I got fed up with my inability to achieve the balance I desired. In fact, my agitation increased by being disappointed about my lack of accomplishment. I’ve had some beneficial moments of calm, but at other times, I wanted to shout at the instructor in my earbuds to go find her own fucking bliss if she’s so good at it.

In my frustration, I went out walking and found myself thinking about my public speaking journey. I remembered that what has made it special was not that I started out great. That difficult experience of imperfection at the beginning has made me a better speaker by allowing me to connect well with others. I also recalled that success doesn’t happen immediately and is an ongoing journey.

Why did I expect something different when I set out to find inner peace?

The truth is that enlightenment is not that mystical being on the mountain. By my understanding, our definition of the concept represents something that would be achieved and remain like a badge of honor. It’s just not realistic for any of us because life is in constant motion and is frequently complex, especially in 2022.

What is realistic, though, is finding at least some moments when we can embrace who we are, where we are, and whatever we are experiencing—strengths and imperfections combined. In reflecting on the beginning of this meditative journey, I realized that my expectations for instant success were preventing me from experiencing the benefits of taking some time to be still.

For those of us trying to find some balance in today’s world, my advice so far is this: Don’t seek enlightenment as many of us have envisioned it. There is no magical goal where everything will be perfect once you reach the finish line.

Do give yourself some credit for the hard work you do everyday.

Do take chances to embrace all of your qualities when you feel ready.

Do try to treat others with compassion because we’re all in this together.

Do laugh at yourself once in a while when you fuck up—It helps a lot.

Do tell yourself that is totally OK to not be perfect.

I continue to speak, to write, and on some days, to meditate for a few minutes. I haven’t figured it all out, especially when it comes to sitting still to release daily stress. But I am beginning to look at myself with a sense of appreciation for continuing to try, instead of with frustration about not getting it right. That small change in perspective has started making everything feel lighter and more amusing.

Maybe that’s the enlightenment so many of us are looking for.