Down with Bullies!

Bullies. They’ve been in the news a lot lately. If it’s not someone posting video of his roommate making out with another guy on Facebook, then it’s the Colorado Speaker of the House refusing to allow the civil unions bill to have a floor vote. Bullies are always winning, coming out on top.

So when I hear a story of a bully going down, my triple nipples perk right up.

Mr. Waste and I recently enjoyed brunch with our good friends Angela and Jeff and they shared this story. Their son, we’ll call him Niles to protect his youthful innocence, had been bullied for years during grade school.

Niles was far from the tallest kid in his class and a little bit on the nerdy side. When the neighbors tossed out a broken television, he installed it in his backyard tree house. He repaired the TV and was picking up high-definition signals in no time in his oak tree workshop. A geek’s gotta do what a geeks gotta do.  Niles’ nemesis was the class’s gargantuan brute. We’ll call him Bruno. Bruno, in eighth grade, was already 6-foot-4 and 200 pounds. Why is it that the biggest, brawniest kids always end up being bullies, picking on their weakling classmates? I guess because they can.

Over the years, Angela and Jeff constantly reminded Niles that bullies are just insecure people. He should turn the other cheek and take the high road whenever he was picked on. To instill some additional confidence in their son, Angela and Jeff enrolled Niles in karate classes.

This past May, some parents hosted a “continuation” party to celebrate Niles and his classmates moving on to middle school. The party had a sci-fi theme, something Niles was very excited about. He spent time making a Tron identity disc, complete with glowing lights, so he and his friends could enjoy some disc throwing at the party.

The party and the Tron games were in full swing when Bruno showed up. He marched right across the room and grabbed the identity right out of Niles’ hands. Bruno snapped the disc in half and threw it down on the floor and began to walk away.

Eights years of bullying had finally reached the boiling point inside of Niles. Enough was enough and he snapped. He grabbed Bruno by the arm and karate flipped all 6-foot-4 200 pounds right onto his back. Bruno, mortified to have been taken down in front of the entire graduating class, fled the room and the party.

Niles took down his bully and left quite an impression on his classmates. The lasting memory they’ll have all summer is Niles karate-flipping Bruno. Middle school is going to be a whole new world for Niles. A triple nipple salute to Niles for standing up for himself against his bully.

So when I hear a story of a bully going down, my triple nipples perk right up.

Mr. Waste and I recently enjoyed brunch with our good friends Angela and Jeff and they shared this story. Their son, we’ll call him Niles to protect his youthful innocence, had been bullied for years during grade school.

Niles was far from the tallest kid in his class and a little bit on the nerdy side. When the neighbors tossed out a broken television, he installed it in his backyard tree house. He repaired the TV and was picking up high-definition signals in no time in his oak tree workshop. A geek’s gotta do what a geeks gotta do.  Niles’ nemesis was the class’s gargantuan brute. We’ll call him Bruno. Bruno, in eighth grade, was already 6-foot-4 and 200 pounds. Why is it that the biggest, brawniest kids always end up being bullies, picking on their weakling classmates? I guess because they can.

Over the years, Angela and Jeff constantly reminded Niles that bullies are just insecure people. He should turn the other cheek and take the high road whenever he was picked on. To instill some additional confidence in their son, Angela and Jeff enrolled Niles in karate classes.

This past May, some parents hosted a “continuation” party to celebrate Niles and his classmates moving on to middle school. The party had a sci-fi theme, something Niles was very excited about. He spent time making a Tron identity disc, complete with glowing lights, so he and his friends could enjoy some disc throwing at the party.

The party and the Tron games were in full swing when Bruno showed up. He marched right across the room and grabbed the identity right out of Niles’ hands. Bruno snapped the disc in half and threw it down on the floor and began to walk away.

Eights years of bullying had finally reached the boiling point inside of Niles. Enough was enough and he snapped. He grabbed Bruno by the arm and karate flipped all 6-foot-4 200 pounds right onto his back. Bruno, mortified to have been taken down in front of the entire graduating class, fled the room and the party.

Niles took down his bully and left quite an impression on his classmates. The lasting memory they’ll have all summer is Niles karate-flipping Bruno. Middle school is going to be a whole new world for Niles. A triple nipple salute to Niles for standing up for himself against his bully.

As I was enjoying a drink at the bar on Hamburger Mary’s patio, I found myself overhearing the conversation of some twenty-somethings. They were kvetching about how OLD they felt now that they were no longer in their teens.

I squirted my drink promptly out my nose. Bless their hearts, but they don’t know a thing yet about being old. They are still larva. Someday they will shed that smooth, perky skin to find strange patches of hair growing on their backs and out their ears. Instead of dying their hair platinum blond for fun, hair dying will become a necessity for covering up the gray. Wearing sunglasses as a fashion statement will evolve into cover-ups for crow’s feet.

One of the twinks pulled out pictures of his brand new puppy, a miniature Yorkshire terrier. He was going on and on about how he just hated leaving his new little dog at home while he was out drinking at the bar.

“What if I just carried him in with me to Hamburger Mary’s? What would happen?” he asked the barback.
I leaned over and said, “There’d be a new burger on the menu.”

He was not amused, bless his heart.