HeinzeSight: Dating without drama

Dear Brent,

I have recently become single after a  four-year relationship and am enjoying it.  I’ve had some great dates and sex, but  I’m not ready or interested in pursuing another relationship right now, but many guys say  they’re ready to jump into a monogamous relationship after a few dates. I’ve worked hard throughout my life to achieve success and feel that I’m in a good place, but dealing with some of these clingy gay men is beginning to wear on me. How do I date without the frustration?

There is nothing wrong with looking for someone who makes our heart, brain and crotch excited – sometimes these people become long-term partners – but there is also nothing wrong with looking for someone who makes parts of us excited for only one night or a few dates.

Dating without some level of frustration probably won’t happen. By putting ourselves out there, we risk awkward social situations, unsatisfying sexual encounters and catty comments from supposed friends. There are some realities to keep in mind, but there are strategies to lessen your frustrations  when dealing with some guys.

Some people go on dates for the enjoyment of meeting new people or sharing a nice meal – others just hate to be single. There are others who look for someone to supplement something lacking in themselves, and people who consistently search of a future ex-husband with urgency each time they find themselves single. Some look at being in a relationship as validation that they are good enough, sexy enough, and gosh darn it, somebody loves them.

Be honest about your interests and intentions. Even if a guy chooses to ignore your comments about not wanting an instant relationship, at least you’ve done your part. You don’t have to put the smackdown on a date by stating your personal boundaries, expectations, and all the crap you’ve experienced lately. It could ruin the mood, and you are going to come across as bitter or bitchy. Why not try to just go out and have a good time? During the course of your date, you can find more tactful ways of discussing what you’re looking for.

Don’t stop being open and friendly just because some men get a little obsessive. Some people may misinterpret your acts of kindness as love and devotion, but sometimes breakfast in bed after a night of rockin’ sex can just be a sweet gesture of gratitude, of interest in doing it again, or of just being really hungry. Just be careful to make sure that you have done your part to ensure that your message has been sufficiently conveyed.

Beware of tragic men. There are issues that even their therapists may not want to tackle. Also, there is a possibility that some of these guys are looking for a sugar daddy or have a history of dating someone only until the next guy comes around. Be aware of their motivations and protect yourself.

Most of us have dealt with huge frustrations looking for a great guy. It’s like looking for a house: There are times when you look at the available market and there appears to be only crappy options. Sometimes even the ones that look great on the outside have huge problems with their foundations, or the interior has been decorated by Pee-wee Herman.

Don’t give up hope of finding that wonderful option that is going to make you jump up and down. Sometimes you just have to wait it out and keep on looking.
Enjoy the ride! ]