Creating & Maintaining Healthy Relationships
If you’ve ever been in a relationship, you can likely attest that they can be a lot of work. If you’ve been lucky enough to have experienced a healthy relationship, you probably recognize that it’s worth the work!
In 15 years of clinical experience, I’ve worked with a wide variety of clients who have been in a wide variety of relationships. When working with those clients, a significant amount of the focus tends to be on two main areas—communication and authenticity.
Let’s start with communication. In my opinion and experience (professionally and personally), it’s the foundation of any healthy and lasting relationship. If communication is lacking, the likelihood of the relationship lasting goes down significantly. As a clinician, I push for a three-prong approach to communication—open, honest, and often.
Open: In part, I mean having an open mind. Being open to differing viewpoints and perspectives from a partner (or partners) helps a relationship feel equitable and fair. More importantly, however, we must be open to receiving the message the other party is trying to convey. In other words … You need to fucking listen! Seems easy, right? Well, perhaps not as easy as you think.
Too often, we are not listening to receive the message; we are listening so we can respond in a way that allows us to win or be right. That is not the path to healthy relationships. If our goal in a conversation, argument, or fight is to win or be right, that would indicate (in rather black-and-white terms) that we want the other person to lose or be wrong. Does that sound healthy? Is that what we want for our partner(s)? If so, I urge you to evaluate if your relationship is right for you.
Ultimately, the goal here is to give your partner space to speak and be heard. When we actually hear a partner express their wants, needs, or feelings, our ability to truly understand who they are expands immensely.
Honest: Now listen … I’m a realist. I don’t expect any one person to tell any other person everything. Quite frankly, I don’t even think that’s possible. Ultimately, what I am pushing for here is short and simple … Don’t blatantly lie!
Lies lead to other lies. If we lie, we have to maintain that lie, often with more lies. Ultimately, dishonesty disrupts trust and respect. It creates doubt. It can leave us constantly questioning what we can and can’t believe, what is truth or fiction. And often, a relationship never really recovers from that fallout.
So, stick to honesty.
Often: I’m not talking about a nightly talk around the fire pit where you spend hours walking through every step of your day in painstaking detail. However, I do believe regular check-ins with one another are very important. The fact is, things change. You change. Therefore, what used to work may not work any longer. If you are regularly checking in with each other, there is a greater likelihood that appropriate and healthy changes can be made in a timely manner and future issues can be avoided.
Now, let’s talk about authenticity. If you aren’t being yourself in a relationship, are YOU even in that relationship? If you aren’t being yourself in a relationship, then who is your partner spending their time with, getting to know and/or attracted to?
So, how do you go about being authentic in a relationship? My opinion is to ask yourself a lot of questions, and pay attention to how the questions (and your answers) make you feel. If something feels “off,” there’s a chance you are being inauthentic. If that’s the case, ask more questions.
Here are some examples of questions you can ask yourself (as found in my book “It’s Time to be YOU! – How to Become Your Most Authentic Self”).
-What qualities do you look for in partner(s)?
-Is it possible to be in love with multiple people at the same time?
-Do you have a fear of commitment?
-Is it OK to date more than one person at a time?
-What are your thoughts on marriage?
-Would you consider a long-distance relationship?
-Are you open to nonmonogamous relationships?
-In your opinion, what constitutes sex?
-What (if any) fetishes and/or kinks do you have?
-To what extent do you experience shame around sex?
Once you have asked yourself these questions, consider having conversations about these questions/topics with your partner(s). If you are uncomfortable or unwilling to do so, that may indicate there’s an issue that needs to be addressed.
Don’t get me wrong, I fully understand being authentic in any situation can be challenging. Doing so with a partner can be even more challenging. In relationships, especially in the early stages, we attempt to “put our best foot forward.” And often, there’s that voice in our head saying things like …
-“Don’t share too much too soon.”
-“If I mention XYZ, will that scare them off?”
-“How soon is too soon to say those three little words?”
Only you can decide if/when it’s time to share something and/or open up to a partner. Remember what I said earlier about communication … Just don’t blatantly lie!
All that being said, vulnerability allows for deeper connection and understanding with a partner(s). Courageously revealing our true selves, sharing our hopes, fears, dreams, and insecurities without reservation—This kind of authenticity fosters trust, emotional intimacy, and mutual respect, creating a safe space where partners feel seen, heard, and valued for who they truly are. Furthermore, it allows us to navigate conflicts with empathy and understanding, fostering growth, and strengthening the bond we have with partner(s). Being authentic cultivates a sense of belonging and acceptance, enabling us to move through life together with unwavering support and love.
To summarize, when it comes to relationships, remember two things:
Push yourself and your partner(s) to have communication that is open, honest, and happens often.
If you are not being authentic with a partner, are you even in the relationship? Be YOU!
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