Coming out as kinky

Dear Brent,

While I was watching the gay pride parade this year, I saw a good friend walking with the leather group wearing a harness, combat boots and dog collar. Apparently we have more in common than I thought. I don’t think I could ever be that public with my enjoyment of being tied up and dominated, but part of me wishes I had the balls to be that honest with people around me. I’m very comfortable with being gay, but I feel nervous that someone will find out about my darker side. Are there other people out there that share my apprehension?

For some people, admitting to an interest in kink can parallel coming out a gay, transgender, or HIV-positive. All can trigger aspects of personal shame, fear and embarrassment, or may cause people to reject you for something you’re working to embrace about yourself. Kinky urges do not make you any less of a quality person or dictate your course of success in your life: There are doctors into fisting, lawyers into watersports and truck drivers who like wearing high heels.

There is absolutely nothing innately wrong with any of these interests. Embracing and taking pride in them may be a different story.

Your interest in kinky sex doesn’t need to define you or permeate every facet of your life. You don’t need to wear combat boots and a harness to the gym to show how hardcore you are. I don’t know what my friends’ bedroom, playroom, or bathhouse sex lives look like – most of them don’t blog about it, except, maybe, an occasional dirty bit on Facebook.

One thing to keep in mind is that there are some things you definitely can’t take back once they have been put out into the universe – embracing your kinky self doesn’t have to involve taking out ad space. Be sure you are ready to own whatever you come out as enjoying.  There is a huge difference between personal pride and being boastful.

You also need to be aware of what information and impressions you are putting out publically online. In a world of instantly posted pictures on websites and streaming newsfeeds, you could become notorious in an instant. People can take screen shots of anything, post them or email them to anyone.

Remember that we don’t live in the most sexually-open society and there could be additional fallout. Although your kink is a fantastic thing to embrace, it can potentially cause some significant negative impacts in your life. So be aware.

It truly can be like coming out again. Some people come out quietly while others choose to scream at the top of their lungs, running down the street in leather wrist and ankle restraints. At the end of day, what you do in your own bedroom or dungeon is your own business and does not need to be shared, analyzed, embraced, or judged by anyone else, yet the freedom to express ourselves sexually is an amazing gift that should be embraced and celebrated. There will always be people out there that don’t get it, but why should they? It is your set of interests for your personal enjoyment and the enjoyment of others. ]