Ask the Sexpert: Trigger-happy boyfriend

Hi Shanna, 

My current partner and I have been engaging in sexual activities for the last 8 months, and every time we either we have intercourse, or I give him head, he lasts (I kid you not) about 30 seconds! It’s so frustrating; I honestly go home and have to masturbate silly! He doesn’t think it’s an issue, but how can I make him last longer? Any help would be great.

– Disappointed in Denver

Dear Disappointed in Denver,

While not as helpful for solving your issue regarding oral sex, they do make desensitizing lubes and sprays that can help him delay his ejaculation. You could try something like that with him to see if it helps during intercourse in increasing the time between the onset of stimulation and ejaculation.

Another idea is to have him masturbate before you play together – either before he comes over for play time or once he’s there; that can take the edge off for him. Different men have different refractory periods (the time between having an orgasm and being able to hold an erection again) that can last from 30 seconds to over an hour – figuring out how long his refractory period is can help you plan your activities.

All this being said, if his shorter time to ejaculation is not bothering him, you might want to ask yourself why it is bothering you. It sounds like you are leaving your trysts still sexually frustrated, and while that is certainly no fun, there are ways to change that without changing him. Let him know that you need a little more hands-on work or some lip service, and after he ejaculates (or even before he gets any stimulation), maybe he can manually stimulate you, or provide oral sex, or masturbate alongside you. There are tons of ways to be sexually satisfied that don’t involve having the mystical simultaneous orgasms that seem so popular in porn and erotica, and are actually incredibly rare in the real world.

– Shanna