Ask the Sexpert: Shades of kink

Hi Shanna- 

So I finally got around to reading the ridiculously popular book Fifty Shades of Grey. While I wasn’t the hugest fan of the writing or male dominant heteronormativity of the book, I thought that whole kinky thing was kind of hot, and wanted to know how I could work on introducing the concept to my girlfriend to see if she might be into it too. Any ideas?

– Working Out the Kinks in Westminster

Dear ‘Working Out the Kinks,’

While some people have been shocked at the popularity of this book, it just goes to show how widespread this interest in various forms of kink can be. Before you just decide to go whole hog and outfit a dungeon in your home, I suggest thinking about what types of kink specifically made you wiggle in your chair. Was it the bondage? The spanking? The public sexuality? The power dynamics? While some folks are into lots of different things, others find that only specific things that are kinky get their motors going, and they could take or leave the rest.

Once you figure out what you’re into, consider having a conversation with your partner about it, but not in the middle of sexual play time. Perhaps over dinner, or even while cuddling in bed or watching TV, ask her what she thinks about the idea of being tied up or tying someone up, or if she could see how spanking someone might be a turn on.

You can also take some time to each write out one of your fantasies, and then switch and read them, or take a date night to browse the kinkier toys at Fascinations, the Crypt or online at Stockroom.com.

Lastly, remember that not everyone is into all of the kinky stuff, or even any of it. If your girlfriend kindly tells you that she’s happy you discovered your interest, but doesn’t want to pursue it, you have to remember that no is no, and work on enjoying all of the other exciting things in your relationship.

Best of luck in supporting your sexual explorations!

– Shanna