Ask the Sexpert: More than a friend

Dear Shanna,
I’ve been out for almost a decade now, but my girlfriend is a newly-out baby dyke and isn’t out to her family yet. I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her, but having her family think we’re “just” roommates is  bothering me. What should I do?
– Out and Proud in Aurora

Dear Out and Proud,
First of all, congrats on finding your love, and mazel tov on wanting to spend your life with her! However, sometimes taking someone’s toaster (being their first female/lesbian/bisexual) partner can be difficult. When someone is new to being part of the LGBTQ community and new to their identity, they may not be ready to shout it from the rooftops, and that includes telling their family.

Have you talked to her yet about this? Maybe she doesn’t yet realize how important it is for her family to know the closeness of your relationship, or perhaps she doesn’t understand that it is hurtful to be referred to as someone’s “friend” or “roommate” when you’re really the love of their life. You might also want to take into account her family’s attitude about the LGBTQ community – if they are friendly or even neutral, it is going to be a very different conversation than if they are card carrying members of Focus on the Family or the National Organization for Marriage.

Make some time to have a conversation with her about your feelings. Don’t have it when you’re feeling angry or stressed, or while having pillow talk post mattress mambo. Put forth your wants and needs, and ask her why she hasn’t yet chosen to share your meaningful relationship. It’s important that you listen to her answers too, so you can work together to figure out the best possible plan. If she’s nervous, ask how you can support her. If she’s worried about possible repercussions, talk through them and decide whether or not its worth it for you to be out to her family if they will then cut off communication, or stop inviting her to family events. Being in a relationship is being part of a team, and while it would be wonderful if we could all be out and proud all of the time, it’s also important that we recognize that we live in the real world, where coming out can have more issues for some folks than others.

Best of luck!
-Shanna