Ask the Sexpert: Animal Planet Expert

Shanna Katz, M.Ed, ACS is a queer, kinky, board certified…

Dear Shanna, 

As someone who feels very connected to the animal side of me, I am wondering what we can learn from the animal world as far as mating techniques. What can other species teach us about how to best attract our perfect match?  

– Animal Planet Expert, Denver

Dear Animal Planet Expert,

What a brilliant idea. Let’s think about some of the mating habits of other species in order to improve our own techniques in the awkward world of dating and sex!

Bonobos are all about being lovers and not fighters. When there is an argument or disagreement, they solve it by getting it on. Next time you’re out and about, and see a fight about to go down, you can be the one to save the day by offering to actually go down. Problem solved.

Dolphins are not ashamed of sex and have voracious sexual appetites, which might be more similar to humans than we care to think. However, before you start to click and whistle like Flipper when you’re in the sack, you should take note: The average amount of time from start to finish for a dolphin is just 12 seconds. Consider that.

Pandas enjoy watching panda porn to set the mood … so while we’re not suggesting you watch the world’s cutest bears to get in the mood, you might consider picking up a DVD or streaming some adult cinema to get you and your partner(s) all revved up before the mattress mambo begins.

Into the Butthole Surfers’ song Detachable Penis? The Argonaut (the Paper Nautilus) is too. In fact, because the size difference between male and female Argonauts is so epic (the females are MUCH larger, in case you were wondering), the male actually detaches his penis and sends it on over to his mating partner. Perhaps don’t try this at home.

Like golden showers here and there? Both giraffes and porcupines have similar interests, and participate in a bit of spritzing as part of their foreplay. Think about adding some quills or stilts to your sexual repertoire to truly mimic the mating habits of these mammals.

Have fun getting it on, Shanna 

PS: This is parody.

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Shanna Katz, M.Ed, ACS

Shanna Katz, M.Ed, ACS is a queer, kinky, board certified sexologist, sexuality educator and author. From topics like vaginal fisting to non-monogamy, and oral sex to how sexuality and dis/ability intersect, she talks, writes and teaches about the huge spectrum of sexuality, both from personal and professional perspectives. She’s using her Master’s of Sexuality Education to provide accessible, open-source sex education to people around the country. For more info, please visit her sexuality education site, ShannaKatz.com.