Ask the Sexpert: Is Lesbian Bed Death Real?

Dear Shanna,

So I keep hearing about lesbian bed death. As someone newly out and on the prowl, is this a real issue I need to be concerned with, or is it a lesbian urban legend? Does it only impact dykes, or what gives?

— Looking for Lesbian Bed Life, Littleton.

Dear Looking for Lesbian Bed Life,

I get this question a lot, which could mean that indeed it is a commonality in the lesbian community or, rather, that it’s a really popular myth — one that has yet to be debunked on Snopes.

Here’s the deal: Lesbian bed death IS a thing … or at least, it can be. Then again, relationship bed death is a thing (or can be) for folks of all gender identities and sexual orientations. Why? Think about when you are in a new relationship or partnership; everything is new, fun, and exciting. You want to try new things in general, and in the bedroom, there is something incredibly delightful about exploring what your partner’s likes, dislikes, and haven’t-tried-it-yet-but-totally-want-to-with-you experiences are. Both (or all!) of you in the relationship want to map out each others’ desires while sharing your own wants and needs, and everything is new and fun.

Plus, there is a little something called NRE going on — New Relationship Energy. With this, there is extra time, energy, and resource put into your new relationship. This can be toward romance, toward surprises, toward late night text sessions, or Skype calls — even toward being the absolute best lover you can be. As your relationship blossoms and grows, there are fewer new things to discover and, many times, people have to start redirecting some of the energy back into the rest of the world — jobs, kids, families, sports teams, coin collecting, hobbies, etc. It’s normal! Your relationship has now become a solid facet in your life (good), which means it needs to start sharing its time, energy, and resource with everything else (which can feel less than fun).

In addition, as sex becomes more run of the mill, there’s usually less time put aside for trying things that are new, and more spent doing the same old which, while it might be successful, can sometimes feel more boring than tried and true. Put this together with life taking over, and less of the push to be romantic, unique, and fancy-schmancy all the time, and voila — relationship bed death. It’s not just for lesbians anymore!

Solutions? Have a conversation or two with your partner. Be nice, but explain that you’d like to spice things up a bit. Maybe buy some porn or erotica you think you both would like, and spend some time getting turned on by that. Discuss trying that ONE thing that you both wanted to try, but never quite got around to. Schedule time to be sexual! People are afraid of this, but if your schedules are both too packed, scheduling some alone time together (with flexibility as to what occurs during that time) might be the only way to re-boot the sexual hard drive. If it bothers you, talk about it, rather than getting passive aggressive or giving up. The likelihood is that your partner feels the same way, and is just looking for a way to bring it up.

Best of luck!

Shanna