An Ode to Post-Valentine’s Day
You spent your early February energies pulling together the most romantic evening you could muster. You’re sure you’ve made a connection. Valentine’s Day has come and gone, and reality sets in. Following is a top-10 list of common post-holiday relationship afflictions and dishes to serve up from some of our best local culinary establishments.
10. Can’t believe a word that comes out of your Valentine’s mouth? If they don’t sprout fangs, fur, or bat wings first, ward them off with heads … of garlic.
≈Solution: Escargot au Buerre from Noir Bistro Vendome. This dish is served not with your ordinary garlic, but black garlic!
9. For that special someone who has shown their true colors and turned out to be a mean, angry, little person, serve them the blackest dish you can order.
≈Solution:Blackened Catfish from Pappadeaux. This dish is black and spicy!
8. After weeks of dating them, you hear those dreaded words: “Let’s just be friends.” Is there anything rawer? Only foods that haven’t met a flame suit this person.
≈Solution: Sashimi, plain and simple, and lots of it. Don’t forget the wasabi! Sushi Den should fit the bill.
7. You just heard from your best friend that your Valentine was seen slinking from the bedroom clutches of that blond/brunette/redhead seen at the club/restaurant/friend’s party last Saturday. Your only thought should be, How many habaneros are too many?
≈Solution: Siracha Noodle with a side of Black Jasmine Rice. Visit Alloy Modern Thai . The dish is spicy hot and slurpy messy. Black Jasmine Rice will finish them off!
6. It’s sad, but true. You have absolutely no connection with them, at any level. If you find yourself asking, “Where’s the beef?” it’s time to serve just that.
≈Solution: Fogo de Chão Brazilian Steakhouse should fit the bill. Make sure you conveniently lose the marker they provide to indicate you’re done, so the meats keep coming!
5. Does your Valentine spend more mirror time than you, your sexiest friend, and the devil themself (combined)? If so, it’s time to load them up with greasy food that the skin hates. Breakout, here we come!
≈Solution: Endless Breadsticks, Fettucini Alfredo, and Chocolate Brownie Lasagna, Olive Garden.
4. Would you rather have a colonoscopy than spend another “relaxing night together watching TV” with your Valentine? It’s time you served them up a dinner so bland, it’ll send them packing.
≈Solution: Steamed Tofu with Vegetables, Taste of China. If they’re not a vegan or vegetarian, they’ll get it.
(Editors Note: if you actually think tofu is bland, you haven’t had it cooked well.)
3. Your Valentine is attractive. Your Valentine is fun to be around. Your Valentine wouldn’t know how to light a fire in the bedroom if given a lit match. No need to call the fire department, but do feel free to serve the most fire-engine red dish you can.
≈Solution: Borscht. It’s ruby red, containing shredded and cubed beets. It’s beet-juice broth-based. Most importantly, Aphrodite ate beets to increase her appeal! Visit Masha and the Bear.
2. You’ve met the sweetest person on Earth. That’s great, until you learn they are like that 24/7. Time to take off the Mary Poppins gloves and serve them a spoonful of their own medicine.
≈Solution: Three Course Dessert Tasting. Top it off with a Tawny Port. D Bar. Make sure to grab the dessert menu only, as D Bar has delicious lunch, brunch, and dinner menus as well.
1. It’s time. You’ve been dating, and they are “the one.” You finally muster the courage to say the L word. They streak out the front door. When they come slinking back, serve them the only thing you could, chicken!
≈Solution: An Eight-piece Chicken Bucket from KFC. Make it a meal. Thank them a bunch, then fly the coop!
