Stuff Gay People Like: Human projects

Everyone who lives in the U.S. since Glee first aired knows there are two kinds of people in the world – the dorks, and the assholes – and that a gay man’s allies are the dorks.

Dorks are people who band together because of a common disposition, being that they’d rather relate to each other by doing something interesting than just being in the same place judging everyone. Dorks are members of the debate team, science club or orchestra. They play video games together or host jam sessions or even just set piles of leaves on fire; they could be doing anything, as long as it’s something.

Gay people are not all dorks. At rates that mirror the asshole-to-dork ratio in the general population, some gay men have the assholes’ confidence in their social skills as well as the assholes’ belief that everyone deeply wants to be admired. Being among the dorks is simply a social necessity for these, but they want to repay the dorks for their friendship, so will gaze at them wistfully and think, if only I could fix you up.

That’s the basis for every makeover reality TV show – present and past – including the makeover reality TV show’s queen mother ship, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

There’s no need to explain why gay men don’t like the way the world is. Because they are naturally predisposed to wish it was better, they have a proclivity for “improvement projects” of all types. Lots of gay men would love to redesign your living room, landscape your yard, design a building or choreograph a performance. A lot of them would love to make the government or society more gay-friendly, make fashion more environmentally-friendly, or think a neighborhood would be better if someone started a new bar or club. These gay men have the convenience of being dorks not just by social category, but by disposition.

But the other gays – the assholes – have the same gay desire to remake things, and also the assholes’ special insight into finding faults in people. So they direct their visionary skills toward specific humans.

Unlike most assholes, gay assholes will judge you to your face, and they will do so with a friendly demeanor. If this ever happens to you it means two things: you are a dork, and you are a project.

It comes in many forms. In a gay bar a stranger may offer that you’d look better if you cut your hair shorter, if you shaved your beard or if your clothes were better fitted. A random message to your online profile may advise you that you’re too gay and would be more desirable if you were more masculine, or if you lost fifteen pounds, or if you played a sport.

You may be notified you are trying to date out of your league or appropriate age range.

You might be informed you are too political, too stiff, too ethnic, drink too much, don’t drink enough, have too much sex, don’t have enough sex, are too worried about stuff, or that your blank stare when he complains about the number of fat guys in the bar comes across as rude.

He expects you to be grateful for this free consultation; it carries a market value of at least $10 or $15 and was just handed to you as a courtesy sample. Don’t you value honesty?

Better to be told since everybody else was already thinking it, he says.

Celebrities and public figures are not immune to this criticism, but since they are inaccessible to give advice to, the asshole gay man will just pick a handful and hate them. Because, you know, those funny eyebrows. Or that laugh. Annoying! Don’t think so? Oh, well, you’re just being politically correct.

You might think we’re being pretty hard on assholes, but that’s not the truth at all. Gay men need assholes.

Mhmm. I said it.

The assholes are another kind of pioneer, giving straight assholes a kind of gay man they can understand – a kind they can wear on their arm, or get away with making homophobic comments around. A kind they can get used to seeing on TV. We need them.

Because, dammit, they really do know how to make things look good.

Stuff Gay People Like (SGPL: ABOUT) is a regular column. Visit the Facebook Page or view the whole list.

@StuffGayPplLike/#SGPL on Twitter.