Stuff Gay People Like: The new guy

Gay men come from all backgrounds; some are raised by pothead hippies, others grow up in a religious family on a farm. Some track high-fashion like a bloodhound, dropping huge wads of cash at every venture; others are distinctively blue-collar. In turn, some think the sublime is found in donning Uma Thurman’s hairdo and lip-synching on stage to Lady Gaga; others wouldn’t touch drag with a ten-foot pole. Few stereotypes about gay men are universal.

But ‘coming out’ eventually reveals at least one unwavering truth for all of us: everybody already knows everyone. Score a date with another gay guy and, over dinner, learn that he’s dated your best friend, hooked up with your ex, and knows the name plus intimate rumors on two of every three guys you’ve ever thought were hot.

It starts off the bat. Coming out in high school you’ll soon have heard the same line a dozen times: “Oh my god you’re gay? I know someone who’s perfect for you. Have you met Charles? You know, the only other gay guy in the school?”

The best estimates say 10 percent of everyone is gay. And gay people are fragmented into sub-communities and cliques as much as straight people, meaning in your small piece of the scene, you’re ten times as likely as a straight person to be connected to anybody else. Gay dating is like learning love in a school with a graduating class of 12.

Six degrees of separation? Try two. A common scene: a friend introduces his new boyfriend at a bar. “Where do I know you from?” you’re asking, flipping through your mental rolodex of past dates, friends of friends, drag queens, people you saw on Connexion. He and you both shrug it off; “Meh, I guess it’s just from gay.”

But soon a desperate feeling creeps in: shit, I think I’ve already slept with the 4 guys I have even the vaguest romantic compatibility with. Then what about that time you flipped-out after being dumped? Snap, the whole world already sees you as a clingy drama queen. That’s right, your whole world, all 20 of them.

There’s only one thing that brings you a chance to start anew: fresh meat. The new guy is the first thing on everyone’s agenda.

When a new gay guy moves to town, everyone else races to get a foot in the door. Call dibs if you want but nobody’s listening; he’s already gotten a random “hey what’s up” in his inbox from 50 people. You’re lucky if he wants to meet, but once he gets a feel for what he “can get” in the new scene, the chance is less than 1 in 3 the date will even happen.

In the murky waters of first dates with a “new guy,” the biggest threat is being too public. Not because others will be jealous; no, gay men, like all human beings, love and crave others’ envy. It’s because bringing him up will alert the others that he’s there.

“Who are you seeing, again? What’s his name?” a gay man’s friends will ask. “Why haven’t I heard of him before? A ‘new guy?’ Is he… cute?”

The subtext is why haven’t I slept with him? but the sad news is, some of them probably already have. Your new interest, like all gay people after they move, had a pretty good first couple weeks. It’s only a matter of time before you hear a friend say, “oh, Adam? ‘New guy’ Adam? He stayed over with my roommate a couple weeks ago. Lucky you, I heard he’s got a huge cock.”

A dark curtain slowly closes on your perfect show. Fuck. Fuck fuck – that’s definitely Adam, he does have a huge—dammit, it’s definitely the same guy. Your friend, still smiling in front of you, notices the change in your demeanor.

“Wait, you didn’t know? Oh… Ohhhhhh,” he apologetically pats your shoulder. “Well it was before you guys met, right? So it’s not a big deal, right?”

No, just normal. Such is life.

Now, returning in the back of your mind, is the ever-increasing allure of a bigger city. A different one. Chicago. Miami. Seattle. New York. A phrase churns there, as it has a hundred times, and bubbles out your mouth once more:

“I really need to move.”

Stuff Gay People Like (SGPL: ABOUT) is a regular column. Visit the Facebook Page or view the whole list.

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