Being Gay in the Deep South Vs. Being Gay Here

When you grow up gay in the Deep South and move to a city, it can be quite a revelation. There are some differences you expect, and others that are so nuanced, you don’t really notice them until you take a step back and look at the full picture. After returning to Alabama last year, there are some things I miss about Denver’s gay community and others I didn’t realize I missed about the South’s gay community.

Look at the Size of That Thing!

While there are undoubtedly more gay men in Denver (at least ones who are open), the overall dynamic of the community is the same in Alabama. The longer I lived in Denver, the more I realized how much overlap there is in the gay community. There are only a few degrees of separation between nearly every gay man in the Mile High, and the same can be said of most gay men in Alabama. Gay men in Alabama might not know each other personally, but there’s a good chance we’ve all seen or at least know of each other through hookups, dating sites, or dating apps.

Club Kids

Another big difference in gay culture between Alabama and Denver is that gay clubs and bars are easier to find and closer together in CO. If I want to go to the closest gay bar/club here in Alabama, I’ve got to drive roughly an hour. When I moved to Denver, I loved the fact that not only were there more gay clubs and bars closer to where I lived, there were a variety of options. No matter what kind of subculture, music, atmosphere, flavor of guys, or mood you wanted, there was either a place that was absolutely perfect or one that was close enough to sate your appetites.

The Love That Dare Not Text Its Name

The dating experience is another striking difference I noticed. Here in the South I had to watch how I acted when I was on a date (I say had because I’ve decided not to date while I’m back here). When I did put my heart out there, I was always self-conscious of the people around us, paranoid that they knew the two guys next to them were gay, and that they were planning to bash us either verbally or physically. It never felt safe to hold hands, kiss, sit next to each other, or stare into one another’s eyes with the look of love. I did everything I could not to make myself even more of a target than I already was as a black man living in the South. While my concerns weren’t completely quelled when I dated in Denver, I felt as if I could at least breathe and not have to check my surroundings every five minutes.

Not All Rain and Worry

While I much prefer the Mile High gay culture, there are some things I cherish about Southern gay men. Soft Southern accents can be charming, and I also enjoy the traditional Southern values and manners some gay guys have here. I don’t consider myself a Southerner, but it’s that kind of man who can make me think of changing my mind about that.

It can be a challenge walking the tightrope between being a city guy at heart and having Southern roots. Part of me revels in the freedom of Denver’s gay community, and another part yearns for the simple love of the South. Hopefully, one day I’ll find a guy who makes me feel as if I don’t have to compromise or settle on either.