Dueling with Depression: masturbate more

Okay. The title should probably read, F*ck More, but I’m single.

And I’ve wasted too much time on apps like Grindr being inundated with photoshopped dick pics or messaged by bots.

And there’s the horror that is the gay club scene, dodging guys wearing white pants with sandals who open the conversation with, “My name’s Mustang. What’s yours?”

It’s all very depressing and only increases my suicidal tendencies.

So with or without a partner, just find a way to achieve an orgasm on a regular basis, kind of like taking your meds. Because regardless of how you achieve sexual gratification, an orgasm deposits a wondrous amount of fabulous chemicals into the brain — all of which are especially helpful for a depressed brain.

There are even scientists who claim the euphoric feeling of an orgasm is equivalent to the same euphoric feeling you get from Big H. One study published in The Journal of Neuroscience (conducted solely with male participants) showed that there are “parallels drawn between ejaculation and heroin rush.”

Well then, I guess it’s no surprise I’ve been mercilessly bludgeoning my beef stick almost every day since I was 13.

During an orgasm, the brain dumps a substantial dose of dopamine into the body. This lovely neurotransmitter is responsible for both stimulating the pleasure centers of the brain and your “friend’s” cocaine habit.

Also, the hypothalamus releases oxytocin. Often referred to as the love hormone, oxytocin helps reduce anxiety and is even being tested to reduce symptoms associated with postpartum depression.

The brain also releases endorphins during an orgasm, which reduce pain and are responsible for the euphoric feeling you get when you exercise, often referred to as “runner’s high.” In addition, the lateral orbitofrontal cortex shuts down during an orgasm, the part of the brain responsible for reason, self-control, and logical thinking — the Vulcan part of the brain.

In short, the brain loses its goddamn mind during sexual climax.

And solo masturbation can help exercise the imagination we all have. Porn is helpful and ubiquitous, but why watch someone else’s fantasy? Create and develop your own sexual vulgarities. (The things I’ve done to Ryan Reynolds would make Deadpool blush through his red super suit.)

And you probably guessed it, some doctors argue that regularly flexing your creative muscles, regardless of the creative outlet, can help reduce depressive symptoms.

There are caveats, as the side effects of some antidepressants may prevent an orgasm. Your living situation might not give you any privacy (which might make things more exciting).  And there’s the persistent social stigma.

When I was younger, I was taught that masturbation was dirty and shameful. Of course, I was also told that homosexuality was dirty and shameful … and that listening to Black Sabbath was like listening to Satan singing in your ears.  (And what a beautiful voice Lucifer has!)

There’s nothing wrong with finger-banging your blues away. It hurts absolutely no one. And everyone does it. Everyone. Even the pope. Even your grandma.

So regularly exercise those fingers to increase dexterity. Buy yourself a vibrating dildo that’s powered by multiple D-size batteries. Close the curtains and kick the cat and/or dog out of the bedroom.

Give your depressed brain a healthy dose of dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins at least once a day.