Liar Liar

Hey, Brent,

I don’t understand it. I was dating this guy for a couple of months and then found out that not only has he been hitting up guys online to get off, but he may have also lied about his HIV status. He came across so sweet and I felt really special, but unfortunately I think he was being totally dishonest. Why do people do things like this, and how do I get better at recognizing liars?

I don’t think there’s a single answer to why some gay men in the community choose to be underhanded and deceitful. This is especially frustrating to people who enter into a relationship with the best of intentions and an open heart. Strangely enough, some of these people spend an exorbitant amount of energy creating empty promises and false realities to snag an unsuspecting Nice Guy. Even when confronted, these people will stick to their guns and claim they were misunderstood instead of owning up to their behaviors. They may attribute their attempts to get laid to just having a “flirty personality.” They might claim it was just innocent “playing around” and that they never intended to pursue their verbal fantasy. Regardless, they’re playing a game. They’re playing a game with your physical and emotional health.

There are people who struggle with self-worth and get some twisted thrill out of taking advantage of others, like they have some control over them. Sometimes the smoothest talkers are also the ones covering up some very sneaky behaviors. Think of a used car salesman who takes advantage of an innocent, naïve consumer by selling a sexy-looking clunker. There are times when someone’s desire to get what they want overshadows being a thoughtful, honest person.

It’s important to watch how much our heart is influencing our brain and thought processes. Emotions can create some amazingly wonderful feelings, but they also have the potential to make us blind to important things. There are also times when our genitals seem to have control over our logical minds as well. My friend calls it being “dick-matized” … when we are so enamored with someone that we either aren’t aware of or actively ignore their glaring shortcomings. Regardless, overlooking concerning behaviors can lead us into being taken advantage of.

Another thing to keep in mind is the old adage, “talk is cheap.” If someone makes plans to do something, it’s important for them to also maintain good communication and follow through. Promising to call or remembering an important event carries a lot of weight in building trust in a relationship. Tearing a good connection apart doesn’t take much, especially at the beginning. Be aware when small or large promises aren’t fulfilled or someone’s follow through doesn’t happen. A million apologies don’t make up for being an unreliable flake.

Be aware of these concerns, but don’t let a few jerks keep you from staying hopeful. Visualizing what we want is an important part of discovering what we hope to gain from a partner and our lives. There’s nothing wrong with fantasizing about how wonderful things could end up, but be aware of where the imagination ends and reality needs to take over. The development, planning, and execution of a plan to develop a beautiful, stable relationship is more than just hoping things will work out. It also needs to be based in reality with the right person.