Is Drunk You the Real You?

There’s an old adage that goes thusly: “A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.” I’d like to follow that up with one my of personal favorites: “Bullsh*t.”

Imagine the weirdest, worst thing you’ve done while drunk. (The one that doesn’t involve Pam cooking spray and a Wiffle ball bat — we swore that was off limits.) I mean those other things, like cry-calling that ex from seven years ago at 2am, ordering a pizza and wings from Domino’s and eating them all in one sitting, or sleeping with your equally drunk BFF which is utterly disgusting and I’m so glad you don’t remember it, either, boo.

Naturally, these are things you wouldn’t do sober (except maybe the Domino’s thing, you loveable monster) … and in an honest yet completely weird way, that’s kind of the point of alcohol — to let your guard down enough to do things you normally wouldn’t; to remove the “you a minute ago” and insert a new “you for right now.” But is the drunk you actually you?

The answer, in short, is no. Not exactly. Unlike the Lorde, alcohol doesn’t work in mysterious ways.

[quote]Booze affects your frontal cortex, impairing your ability to read social cues and self-regulate. Sound familiar?[/quote]

Booze takes a pretty straightforward path from the front of your brain and works its way toward the back. It begins with the frontal cortex, the part of your grey matter that controls really pertinent stuff like social cues, forethought, and impulse control. Once the booze starts to settle in, it chips away at your ability to read people well and hold your fire, whether friendly or intentional. Additionally, drinking impairs your ability to self-regulate. It’s literally #NoFilter.

But if you take away the filter, aren’t you exposing your “true self”? Nope. Because part of your true self is your ability to filter these things. So kicking your frontal cortex to the curb is akin to throwing out your inner bouncer, making you the unhinged, emotional reactionary without the foresight of consequence. (That ring a bell?)

What about sleeping with strangers? (I mean, for those of us who don’t normally do that.) Generally speaking, alcohol impairs vision. That’s certain. But in addition, alcohol blurs the lines between what we’d normally consider attractive, and what we’re just not into. The key commonality within us all, regardless of our preference for gender, race, (etc.), is the draw of symmetry. In short, we like one side of the face and body to match the other. When we’re up-close and personal with that hottie who looks “just like Emma Stone!” at the bar, but looks more like Carrot Top when the sun comes up, just know you’re not the first one to have the wool pulled over your slightly crossed eyes. (Not that I’ve experienced that a jillion times or anything. Thanks, Captain Morgaaaaan!)

The moral of the story? Honey, just because you’re a ticket-holder on the Hot Mess Express when you’ve had a few doesn’t mean you’re “that guy/girl” all the time. So you’ve made out with your BFF a time or three and pigged out on your roomie’s leftovers — it’s not that big a deal. But if these things keep happening to you, maybe you should reconsider your reputation and peace of mind and try something else … like, I don’t know … not drinking?