Who? Me? Yeah, You!

I was regaling my friend the other day with stories of relationships past, and I observed to her that I used to behave as I thought a girlfriend should. I made some interesting observations because I had never quite looked at the unnecessary pressure I’d been putting on myself.

When we get into relationships, we bring expectations. We have needs, desires, fears, stories, lives! before we meet. I entered each relationship with expectations of how I wanted to be treated, and when I didn’t express these needs, I usually didn’t get them. To be totally honest, what kept me complacent was that sometimes I got what I thought I wanted. I was affirmed: If I was good enough and patient enough, I would be rewarded.

Those magic moments kept me going. I clung to those moments for later, when things weren’t in alignment. When I’m just the right girlfriend, I get the prize of a perfect partner — even if only for a night, a weekend, or three days of a four day vacation.

From everywhere, we’re bombarded with messages to change who we really are. 100 million people wouldn’t spend $20 billion annually in the diet industry, and plastic surgery wouldn’t be an $11 billion annual business if everyone were fine with themselves. We spend our time thinking about all of the things that are wrong with us, and when we get into a relationship, we become the person we think we’re supposed to be. I’ve seen countless rom-coms about people pretending to be who they aren’t, only to fall in love with someone and get stuck in a lie. (Cue the screwball story of how the truth comes out, things go sour, then when it seems like the relationship is doomed, but then something happens and love wins because all is forgiven and they walk hand-in-hand down the sidewalk toward their beautiful future.)

Taking this to heart, I entered relationship after relationship working hard to be perfect, acting the part of the perfect partner. If I’m perfect, you won’t leave and I’ll get my happy ending. I was Julia Roberts in “Runaway Bride.” It wasn’t until I figured out how I liked my eggs that I could be my true self and ready to be in a relationship

This goes for all relationships really, not just partners. If you’re not honest about who you are, what you believe, or how you think, you’ll find your relationships unfulfilling. Period.

Here’s the biggest bonus I’ve received from being myself: peace. I can truly relax now. My anxiety of failing is gone.I don’t have to be anyone other than me. I am the only person you can expect me to be, and now you know exactly who I am.

So be your true self. It might be a rough start, but keep at it! You’ll get better … then you’ll be great at being you.