The Marriage Fight Club

O’Brien Gunn

Just because you get married to the love of your life doesn’t mean that you’ll never have the biggest argument of your life. The best time to prepare for a fight in your marriage is well before it happens. Think of this as marriage insurance: you know there’s a possibility of it happening, so you might as well start preparing to lessen the blow.

In an Argument, There Is No Winner

The very first thing you should realize about fighting in a marriage is that no one wins. No one. Even if you manage to prove your point, you never know whether or not your “victory” will fester and infect your relationship until you both want to have a knock- down, drag-out fight complete with ultra slow motion spinning back kicks and enough property damage to forfeit your security deposit. Even when one of you is clearly at fault, focus on a fair and effective solution and nothing else.

“You’ve Gotta Cool It Now”

When you’ve been with someone for a while, you can tell when they’re about to explode into a Hulk rage. Before this happens, it’s best that you both have a cooling off period so you can clear your heads and avoid speaking out of anger, which can leave scars that never heal no matter how much time passes. Use this cooling off period to examine the true cause of the argument rather than the emotions tangled up in the argument. Look at the issue from the point of view of someone who has absolutely no investment in it.

Decide Where and When to Discuss the Matter

Before you and your spouse cool off, set up a time and a place to talk about the issue. While it’s said that you should never go to bed angry, you may need extra time to think things through, and that’s perfectly okay. Don’t think the argument is over and done without the both of you knowing beyond a shadow of doubt that the argument is done. No matter how much you’d rather not discuss the issue at hand, you’ve got to work through it — not around it.

Waving the White Flag

Not every battle has to be fought. If there’s an easier alternate route that takes you to the same destination, take it — even if you don’t care for the scenery … or the lack of quality snacks at the area gas stations. Some of the biggest problems between married and unmarried couples have to do with in-laws, money, and nitpicking.

You have to remember that your in-laws are probably old enough not to give a high-flying frak about changing their ways, not even for their child’s spouse. The “money talk” is one that you and your wife or husband should have before you even entertain the idea of marriage. You can’t really be upset with your spouse who’s as good at balancing a checkbook as Stevie Wonder is at Japanese calligraphy, and that’s especially true when you’ve had an idea about their spending habits since the first dinner date. Whenever your spouse starts nitpicking, ask yourself if it would be easier, faster, and better for you to concede rather than start an argument. Find your Zen zone before you reach for your boxing gloves.

Fighting is inevitable in any type of relationship. What matters most is that you learn and grow from those arguments. Not all scars are ugly, and not all arguments are a bad thing.