‘Breakfast of Champions’

The other evening my friend Rob, hunky UPS truck driver, made an unplanned delivery.

As he was leaving a party in Capitol Hill, a woman jumped into the passenger seat of Rob’s car and asked if he would give her a ride. Rob, a little flabbergasted by the assertiveness of her request and the fact that she was already seated in his car, figured what the hell. She obviously was not going to take no for an answer.

She only needed to go down the street a little ways to the 7-Eleven convenience store. No problem, thought Rob. She chatted him up along the way and introduced herself as “Special K.” Now Rob, being a little naive, figured her parents must have been hippies in the 60s with a name like that.

“Take a right and let’s pull in here,” she unexpectedly suggested as they came upon a do-it-yourself car wash. Rob turned the car but refused to acquiesce when she insisted they stop inside. Rob assumed she was concealing a knife inside her purse and might try to take his money. Rob was not going to get robbed (pun intended).

“Stop, stop, stop!” Special K protested. But Rob drove straight through the car wash and into the nearby 7-11 parking lot and told her to get out of the car.

It wasn’t until a week later while Rob was explaining the story to a coworker that he realized he had actually picked up a hooker. Red flags should have gone up when she said her name was Special K and wanted to make out in a car wash.

Rob’s story brought me to the realization that breakfast cereals really do make great hooker names. If your career path should lead you down the path o’ prostitution, consider these fine nicknames.

Sugar Smacks – juicy with some spanking action

Cap’n Crunch – a male gigolo with extra crustiness

Rice Crispies – an Asian queen that goes snap, crackle and pop

Honey Bunches of Oats – a country whore that’s a little long in the mouth

Froot Loops – a gay hooker that sits and spins for days

Cheerios  –  high-class hooker with a delightful British accent and sunny disposition

Count Chocula – he will suck you silly

Frosted Flakes – a messy whore with a cocaine addiction

Fruity Pebbles – mmm, fruity and pebbly, but you might want to get those bumps checked by a doctor

Lucky Charms – magically delicious

Trix – as in turning some

Not only do these make great hooker names, they also make great drag queen names. After all, we both are in the same business — staying up all night to keep you happy and entertained.

So keep these in mind come October when you are looking for the perfect Halloween name for your costume. You can dress as a drag queen or a whore. It really doesn’t matter. The outfit is exactly the same.