‘A Journey to Myself:’ Surgery is only one step in transitioning

The first time I met Brianna Matthews was more than three years ago. She was and is a vibrant, warm, funny woman who sparkles with a true love for life. She is beautiful, kind and generous of spirit.

Her pre or post-operative status as a transwoman was never a consideration. She is a woman, period. She is one of the people in my life who truly helped me understand how someone could actually be born in a body that is not congruous with the person inside and the courage it takes to create that congruity.

Matthews completed her long journey to womanhood by having her Gender Confirmation Surgery on December 17, 2012. We sat down together, with 60 days, then 30 days then 1 day left before she left for her surgery, discussing this journey to herself and what it has taken for her to get there.

I always say that I am really glad that I was born a woman because becoming one is so much harder then just being one. 

I have a deep appreciation for what it is to be female. You know there are some women that take being a woman for granted. And I see that, some girls throw that away and I cherish it and covet it. It’s very precious to me.

It must be comforting to be in a loving relationship while you’re on this journey.

My partner has been great through this whole thing. Meeting her has probably been the best thing in my entire life, other than the surgery. I found the one person that’s accepting of me, as a person first, and me being trans didn’t enter into that [when we got together].

Has it finally sunk in?

You get to a point where you become more realistic that it’s really happening, that it’s becoming real. That’s where I am now.

Being trans doesn’t really have anything to do with your sexuality – there are lesbian and straight trans women and gay and straight trans men. It seems like an extra level to be trans.

It’s not always set in stone. At Gold Rush, an annual trans event held in Denver, I attended a talk entitled “The Slot Machine of Gender.” When it comes down to it, the combinations [of gender identification and attraction] are endless.

You’re a lesbian though. It seems like more of a challenge to your “womanhood” being in a relationship with another woman.

I knew I was a lesbian. There aren’t a lot of trans lesbians. I am kind of low-key. So, I actually kind of “dial [the lesbian] down” with my girlfriend when we’re out in public. Some of her friends and family don’t even know I’m trans.

RVC: When do you get to change everything legally and on your ID?

Yeah, my legal name is changed. And I got to change my gender on my driver’s license.

How?

Because Colorado allows you to have your physician, psychiatrist or psychologist sign a form with the DMV stating that this person is indeed [the gender they identify as]. Then you can change your gender on your driver’s license.

What about your birth certificate – like if you want to get a passport?

Well I was born in California. So, I can submit all of my paperwork once surgery is completed and California will issue a new birth certificate. Colorado amends [your birth certificate]. A lot of states are like that. So, when everything is said and done, I will be able to take my information, give it to the State of California and I will have a new birth certificate.

Wow! That’s cool.

It’s a beautiful thing and over the years, I realized there is a point in your transition where you make a commitment to yourself for surgery. So, it really is the final kind of decree, so to speak, of your gender. I made that commitment to myself in ’07.

Do you consider having your surgery to be the end of your transition?

No, your transition is ongoing because life is transition itself. This is just going to be making it where I don’t have to focus all my energy on this. I spend so much energy every day just thinking about what I’m going to wear, worrying if it’s going to be too obvious. I take pride in my appearance. It’s the reason I think a get the compliments and comments on being “passable.” I have been made part of a “society” of women.

It seems that a smoother transition would be predicated by having a good mentor.

As my transition started, I made friends who were also in transition, who had already been going through it. I started taking hormones in 2005. I would call them [to ask questions], you know, where did you start, that kind of thing.

Seems like there are a lot of steps on this path, I wouldn’t know where to start. How did you learn about being a women?

I did lots of research. I didn’t have a doctor until 2009. By virtue of the work that I did, I spent a lot of time in airports. I people watch. I would go to the mall and just sit in the middle of the mall and watch women of all ages.

I could totally see that. But, the thing that I noticed is that you have a femininity about you that even some naturally born women lack.

I think the hormones only enhanced something I already had. I already had a natural sort of femininity. As a kid growing up, I always associated with women. I wanted to hang out and do the stuff with the girls.

I think that spending a lot of time with women would certainly help you understand how women are with one another, but can it teach you femininity?

I agree that you can’t teach femininity. You can easily “act that out” and I’ve seen people act it out. But, then you can carry it too far and it becomes too obvious.

How did you get estrogen if you didn’t have a doctor prescribing it?

I ordered it over the internet from overseas. It’s more expensive.

Isn’t that more dangerous, psychologically speaking? There’s no one to help you, ask you questions, ascertain where you are.

That’s the danger. This is the major part of what transgenderism is. You feel so strongly about the person that you are, you’ll do anything it takes to get you to that point. And I realized that I could not survive being male. It was either, I was going to make a transition, or I may not be on this planet. So you take the risk.

It seems as though trans women have a hard time fitting in, as women, sometimes. Do you find that to be true?

I kind of knew that from the onset. I knew I wanted to be accepted. You know, not that I had to do a whole lot, but I made sure that, you know, I understood the outfits, the make up. A lot of girls, especially early in their transition, don’t get this and they stick out like a sore thumb.

This has been a long journey for you. It seems like beyond money, the biggest thing your really need is patience.

People don’t know you’ve had surgery just walking down the street. It takes time to grow into the woman you are going to be.