Age against the machine

I recently checked out the LCD Soundsystem documentary Shut Up and Play the Hits at the Mayan. It was playing for one night only across the U.S. It completely blew my mind, and not just because I’m a huge fan of the music. Whether you’re into the indie electronic punk sounds of James Murphy and company or not, you should check out this movie, because it’s about living life as a hopeful realist; as an outcast with a drive; as a hyper-aware, bordering overly self-reflective individual. I am all of these things, fortunately and unfortunately. Just make sure you can crank it up as loud as possible and have a drink in hand.

One topic that’s a focal point in the film is James Murphy’s age and his relationship with his age. He’s currently 42, and he started LCD in his 30s. Like they pointed out in the film, if you’re an author, that’s young. If you’re an actor, that’s the sweet spot. If you’re a musician, though, that’s pretty much totally over the hill. I couldn’t help but find the conversation around age hitting home with me and my experience coming out. I didn’t come out until shortly after I turned 30 – nearly two years ago. Sure, I had identified as bi since I was 17, but I wasn’t able to fully come to terms for many more years. Of course, I wish I had been able to commit to that place in my heart/mind/soul earlier, but I didn’t, and 30 is pretty young, right? My life was/is still clearly ahead of me.

Some people feel pretty strongly about age and coming out, which I’d not expected. I was surprised that in all of the “But what about this?” and “But what about that?” that I got from those I came out to, one big one was about my age. I even had it once referred to as “coming out later in life.” Huh? I wasn’t 90. It was not later. This is not later. If I had come out at 29, would that have seemed more reasonable? Would it be easier to wrap one’s head around? Those are a lot of questions to answer, I think. And they’re all “what ifs,” which I generally try to avoid, because they’re moot at this point.

At that fragile time of coming out, though, I did attempt to defend myself. I’d point out that Ellen didn’t come out publicly until her late 30s. I’d point out that I’d had relationships with and crushes on girls since I was 10.

But what if I hadn’t – would that make my declaration any less believable? If I am gay, and I say so, I don’t have to prove it, right?

After I realized this age thing was actually a thing, I stopped defending myself. Instead, I went with “Eh. Well, that’s how it is.” For better or worse, it’s not my job to defend myself on something I have no control over. We age, we learn (hopefully), we evolve (hopefully), and that’s that.

My fellow queers definitely get and got it more. Who doesn’t know someone or 10 someones who came out in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and beyond? Those who were married with kids for years before reaching the point when they were ready to let their inner queer come out and dust off the cobwebs. But for many straight people who believe they’re open-minded, as vague a term as that is nowadays, there is still that ingrained resistance to things that don’t fit into the constructs humans instinctively want to build. Even being open-minded can come with expectations of others, and that’s a shame, but it’s something that we all grapple with.

I distinctly remember the moment the reality of aging hit me. I’m basically obsessed with the show Golden Girls. I was 22, watching the antics of the Blanche, Dorothy, Rose and Sophia cope gracefully and hilariously with aging when it hit me like a ton of bricks … dun dun dunnn … I am going to get old – if I’m lucky. And wow, that’s that. There’s no other option. I basically laid there for three days in deep contemplation about what it means for my drive, my future, my identity. After years of honest digesting of that reality, I couldn’t help but think of the most sensible nonsensicals of my life – a line by the Mad Hatter. He said, “Start at the beginning. And when you get to the end stop.” Everything in the middle is up to you.

M.N. can be reached by email at mns.outfront@gmail.com