Triple nipples, to the wind!

Well, I finally did it. I pushed Mr. Waste over the edge.

If you are or have been in any kind of relationship, you know there are certain lines that just should not be crossed. For Mr. Waste, it’s my love of two wheels.

Once I rode down Colfax Avenue during a PrideFest parade on a Vespa scooter from Erico Motorsports, I was hooked. There is such a feeling of freedom, zooming down the road, wind tickling your triple nipples (or fewer if you are not as blessed as I am). You see more, hear more, and, I find, pay attention more. With no radio and my cell phone planted firmly in my tight jeans pocket, I am far less distracted than in a car.

But as safe as I try to be while riding, Mr. Waste still worries. And for good reason. “Cagers” – what we bikers call people stuck in cars – are usually looking for other cars when they change lanes. Not so much a scooter or motorcycle. You must assume that no one sees you and drive very defensively. My Stebel air horn, blasting the sound of a semi truck horn, also gets their attention. A few motorists have been startled out of their seats and a few squirrels given heart attacks when I blast that thing.

I ride my Atomic Blast scooter just about every day of the year, no matter the weather. Only snow or ice will keep me off the streets. I ride the H-E-double toothpicks out of that poor bike. So when I dropped my bald-tired scooter off at Erico for new rubber, the mechanic suggested it might be time for me to consider an actual motorcycle.

I was keen on giving a Triumph or Ducati a test spin but I knew Mr. Waste was not going to have any of it. So rather than ask permission, I went for the whole beg-for-forgiveness. I parked a brand new 800cc Tiger Triumph in our garage next to Mr. Waste’s Miata.

“Come see the new bike Erico is letting me test drive,” I told my husband.

I had told him Erico wanted me to test-drive a “bike.” Mr. Waste assumed I meant scooter. When he came into the garage, steam shot out his ears. Not a good sign the beg-for-forgiveness plan was headed for success. After some hot discussion I found myself driving that tiger back to where it came from, tail between my legs.

We did come to a sort of compromise. Mr. Waste would rather I never get on a motorcycle again. But if I do, we must have our wills and durable power of attorneys drawn up and updated. If I am going to die on two wheels, Mr. Widow wants to make sure he gets everything at the reading of the will.

Anyone know a good attorney? There’s a motorbike in my future.

I had the fortune of being right behind DenverBee, our city’s beekeeper organization, during this year’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade. Good fortune not because of the free honey sticks they were handing out – which were delicious – but because I am a beekeeper myself.

The Denver beekeepers were not exactly convinced that the six-foot tall green-haired Denver County Fair drag queen was a queen beekeeper herself. But once I bandied about such terms as “honey super,” “hive body” and “apiary” they slowly relaxed their stingers.

A short time thereafter, Marygael Meister, founder and president of DenverBee, invited me to dinner at Root Down to meet Dr. Lawrence John Connor, a bee educator and author. Dr. Connor was to speak on bee nutrition at an upcoming club meeting. Marygael wanted me to meet Larry because he is a bee queen too. Gays of a feather frock together and all that.

In addition to being a gay apiarist, Dr. Connor is also working on a documentary called Queens Across America that will focus, not on drag queens, but on the queen-rearing techniques of beekeepers in their effort to improve the genetics of the honeybee gene pool. But I think throwing a few drag queens into the documentary would do the movie some good.

So if you are a GLBT beekeeper – or perhaps have been considering some hives in your backyard (you can thank Marygael for getting that Denver ordinance passed) check out DenverBee.org and wicwas.com for some great beekeeping advice books from Dr. Connor. Tell them queen bee Nuclia sent ya!

Nuclia Waste can be reached at http://NucliaWaste.com.